"Hi! I'm the spirit of Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Internet milestones as 'Party at the Virtual Playboy Mansion' and 'Seven Successful Minutes of e-Commerce.' But tonight, we're here to celebrate 137 rambling entries at It Hurts When I Do This!"

Thanks, Troy. Poor Phil Hartman. Anyway, this is it: my 138th entry. I'd like to think I've come a long way in the past three years, but I guess you'll be the judge of that.

Enjoy this walk down memory lane. Some of you may stumble upon new material. Others who've inexplicably read every entry in its entirety might want to bail now in favor of something more entertaining.

Regardless of which category you belong to, thanks for reading. There's no guarantee I'd still be doing this if my site stats tracked as flatly as they used to. Funny what generating original content will do for that. Without further adieu:

Honorable Mentions

In the beginning...

"In keeping with a long-standing tradition of laziness, I decided that, in lieu of writing an article this week, I'd just post a list of the cool stuff I got for Christmas." - December 29, 2000

"Eleven years is a lot of time to invest in anything, and I like to think I've gotten back more than I put in." - December 31, 2000

"Sometimes I wonder if I didn�t just step into some weird vortex where nothing makes sense." - December 29, 2001

"Of course, in one of its earliest incarnations, this website had an entire page devoted to the wonder that is bacon, so maybe there shouldn't be any kind of standard involved in how things used to be around here." - March 5, 2003

It's just a little crush

"I developed a little bit of a thing for Kelly Ripa during Christmas break." - January 24, 2002

"I know what you're doing, Regis. ... I hated you before I even knew Kelly. Get over it. Or die...and then I can have your job." - January 28, 2002

"Sure, any reasonable person would rather sit around coming up with new Lifetime movies (Not Without My State Representative starring Kelly Ripa with a special appearance by Merideth Baxter-Birney as the feisty, overworked maid) than go to class." - December 12, 2002

"Of course, when 9:00 rolled around, I wrestled the remote away and found Regis and Kelly. That announcer dude started in on his 'It�s Live with Regis and Kelly! Today...' and Daphne G commented on the stupid smile that had overtaken my face, just at the sound of the music." - February 4, 2003

"I'll settle for having Kelly back on Monday. She's my girl." - April 11, 2003

Homework and Other Annoyances

"Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, especially if we�re talking about homework or other school-related activities." - May 21, 2002

"This is my senior year, a year like no other, I'm told, before or since. Some days I get excited about that. Other days I really don't care." - July 30, 2002

"So I�m sitting in my AP Government class doing some last-minute cramming for a test I should�ve studied for the previous night but didn�t because I was studying for another test in Advanced Math (read: the cop-out to Calculus) and memorizing some vocabulario for Spanish II, which I would�ve gotten started on before 11 p.m. if I hadn�t been at work until 10 p.m. and then hungry afterwards." - September 17, 2002

"I'm thankful that I got a combined 1310 on the SATs. (For those of you who were wondering, I totally spanked the Verbal: 710 out of 800. The math wasn't as good, but math is the devil.)" - November 26, 2002

"In a way, high school is like climbing Mount Everest. It�s a challenge and there are many obstacles, including locker rental and graduation fees." - January 28, 2003

"Then I went back to bed. Fuck you, school." - March 10, 2003

"We have spent hella hours -- nights, weekends, all the time -- studying like mofos, writing essays, meeting with college professors, running simulated competitions, anticipating follow-up questions, reading everything the library has to offer on modern political theory, to be prepared to face off against forty-nine other teams and come out on top (or at least place respectably)." - April 11, 2003

"I think the bulk of the knowledge I gained in high school was learning how to deal with nonsensical administrative bullshit as opposed to the finer points of trigonometry, but I suppose the former is more useful than the latter in the long run." - May 22, 2003

Sporty Spice

"Ice dancing? Please. Isn�t this essentially just figure skating, only more pointless? I can't even imagine training (or wanting to train) for such a fake sport. And what I can't imagine even more is being bad at it. I understand the concept of 'everybody can't win,' but give me a break here. If you're going to participate in a fake sport, at least be the best fake competitor." - March 5, 2002

"The entire concept of the sport -- hit a ball with a stick, run around a square shape, tag the other players out -- so simple, so why does this warrant four hours?" - April 9, 2002

"I'm sort of the antithesis of the 'typical' football-loving, baseball-playing male, which should come as a surprise to exactly no one." - October 10, 2003

Deep Thoughts

"Did you ever think about doing something? I�m sure you have." - March 26, 2002

"I had grand delusions about life in Alabama being wonderful and spectacular, seeing as I�d be at the head of the class." - June 4, 2002

"I was watching TV the other night, and it occurred to me that you don't ever see any television characters with Band-Aids. What is up with that?" - July 16, 2002

"Which came first, the physical attraction or the lasting affection? It's tough to pick apart the two, because one feeds on the other." - July 23, 2002

"A situation in which things are happening is unquestionably more interesting than a situation in which things are not happening." - August 27, 2002

"And maybe I�ll learn from this experience. Maybe next time, I won�t be so quick to blow all my spending money for the next two weeks in twenty minutes at America�s most evil big corporation. But probably not." - September 3, 2002

"Sometimes -- no, most of the time -- the holidays are best spent with the people you love the most that aren't related to you, the people who know you're crazy but call you every day anyway." - December 23, 2002

"875trtr4 f3ejn mhuuh mlo,ikmkmyttrtfvgftv;lp.gvffhujhynjhunnb hc vvhnj umbgvfdftvgrby7ik9u6t5r4t6y7u I typed that with my head. Aren�t you proud of me?" - February 21, 2003

"That only happens, like, once every millenium. Right? I'm not good with numbers." - March 3, 2003

"Yes, it is quite possible that I need to get a life." - March 30, 2003

"Yes, crayons are nice, but I think they might have trouble developing and marketing a box of 128 shades of gray." - July 21, 2003

"A camera is never around when you need one, and that's okay. The best memories are the ones never captured on film." - August 5, 2003

"It's good to reconnect with the people that are important to you every once in awhile, especially when they pick up the tab." - August 14, 2003

Literary Pursuits

"The other part of me craves big words, obsesses about sentence construction, gets anal-retentive about punctuation, argues out loud with spell check and idolizes James Kilpatrick." - October 15, 2002

"I�d much rather blow a week�s salary on books when I get them at 10% off." - January 7, 2003

"I like books." - February 21, 2002

"Every once in awhile, I forget how much I love reading, until I get to do it for hours at a stretch. And all it took was an incredibly gloomy, raining sideways day." - July 1, 2003

"Maybe I'll make it a good, old-fashioned weekend of chilling at the library with a whole pile of periodicals. I think it's time for me to start reading The New Yorker." - August 22, 2003

"What the hell is John Grisham's problem? Does he not understand that I don't give a crap about his childhood growing up in the south, frolicking in the fields and sucking at football?" - September 26, 2003

I Don't Know Either

"Um, your kid just collapsed onto the floor and all you can say is, 'Oh, he just passes out like that'?" - October 28, 2002

"So that's it, then. Operation: Adopt Pat. Submit your applications to me for review. Bonus points if you have a TiVo." - November 12, 2002

"I refuse to play your deceptive survey mind games." - November 19, 2002

"That would�ve been sort of cool. Kind of like an inconsequential hotel room version of MacGyver." - December 4, 2002

"The world will be a better place when I get my Oscar the Grouch checks." - March 30, 2003

"Dear Alex Trebek: Shut up. No, just shut the hell up." - July 10, 2003

"There was a Law & Order about that last year, where the ESL girl misread "one every 24 hours" as "one every two to four hours," but what if the drugstore fucked up and killed you? I�m sure it happens and I�m sure there are lawsuits." - September 8, 2003

"Around 2:00 Sunday morning, as I leaned out the passenger door to heave, I lost my balance and did a full somersault onto the shoulder of I-65, where I landed in the fetal position and proceeded to regurgitate dinner and everything after." - October 7, 2003

Dirty Lies

"Music used to be good, like, three or six years ago, but now it sucks." - February 21, 2003

"Also, don't lie and tell your parents you get back a day later than you actually do, because they'll be pretty mad when they find out and it won't have been worth it." - March 9, 2003

"Given my previous experiences with various financial exchanges, I've been trying my dead-level best not to use the card, or to only use it for important purchases." - March 30, 2003

"Commercials are your friend, except when they're for food." - July 31, 2003

"It's a quick and dirty $3000 appearance fee (well, probably not, but why not be optimistic?), most of which we'd have to spend on plane tickets, but I'd get to meet a TV judge." - August 6, 2003

Yep, I'm Gay

"The Day of Silence is not about supporting gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people necessarily. Rather, it is about ending discrimination and harassment, against these and all other groups that face such treatment." - April 10, 2003

"I'll make a lot of money and have a nice car and somewhere along the line I'll meet a nice guy. I'm not particularly fond of children, but the right guy might convince me that we should adopt. I can tell you with certainty that I have no desire to live in a nice, conservative town. I want to live where the boys are." - May 19, 2003

"Of course the court was going to come out and say what most of America already knew: what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is not the government's business. It's an issue of privacy, not morality." - June 30, 2003

"I guess what outrages me the most is the fact that if there had been a gay news and issues talk show/newsmagazine airing daily on cable and on local stations all over the United States since 1972, there wouldn't be all this crazy crap about a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage." - July 24, 2003

"I cannot change the fact that I am sexually attracted to men. They are hot." - August 10, 2003

"If I were making a list of my five favorite things about college, the unbelievable hotness of college boys would definitely make the cut." - September 9, 2003

"This, I think, is the first blatant act of anti-gay discrimination I have faced since, well, ever. I can�t give blood because the fact that I have sex with boys means I might possibly be at an increased risk for HIV." - September 15, 2003

"When you're scared, confused, and theoretically the only gay person in the world, it helps to know that at least one other person who thinks Anderson Cooper is hot has been through the fire." - October 11, 2003

College and Everything After

"Live without regret. Fight injustice. Believe in yourself. Be over the top. Do it classy. Have faith. Change begins with you. Get involved. Do the right thing. If you follow this advice and it doesn't work, don't blame me. It was everyone else's idea." - May 14, 2003

"Looking back, it really was a good age. I came to terms with my sexuality, adopted a more positive outlook on life, fell back-asswards into a kickass boyfriend, had the best educational experience of my high school career, found a college, took up drinking as a hobby, saw the culmination of that same high school career, and still found time to watch TV. That's going to be hard to beat." - June 13, 2003

"As one state of limbo comes to an end with my return to school, another begins as I find myself between deities." - August 10, 2003

"I am happy to announce that I've discovered the answer to all my dietary questions: Ghetto Mexican." - September 23, 2003

"Days like this are why I'm an English major. The interdependence of reading and writing, the magical power of the language -- I love when it all comes together like this." - October 28, 2003

"The world is mine. I'm going to pull it around, rip it down, and put it in my pocket (TM Chris Farley) or, failing that, eat a damn lot of Ramen and stay up late talking about boys on the phone." - August 14, 2003

"It's not about the distance in miles as much as it is the distance in memories. How far have I come in two and a half years? More importantly, where do I go from here?" - July 6, 2003

So there it is. 138 entries behind me, countless more in front of me. Who knows what I'll be overly dramatic about tomorrow?

Someone got here by searching for: "sad pathetic child molesters" For real. Reading: My own archives. Ick. Listening to: Pink. Watching: My So-Called Life. Eating: Cheddar & Sour Cream potato chips.