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it hurts when i do this
(the college years)

< November 13, 2003 >

Never is enough. November 13, 2003 3:56 p.m.

Each morning on Live, a home viewer is given the chance to answer a trivia question about a previous show and win a fabulous and exciting vacation. Invariably, though, the viewer missed the show in question for whatever reason and will get the question wrong. It is then that she is saddled with the consolation prize: luggage. Or more appropriately, baggage. Just shut up and read to the end. Cross your fingers that I'll tie it all together, okay?

"But I fear I have nothing to give and I have so much to lose here in this lonely place...."
- Sarah McLachlan, "Fear"

I am frustrated. I am sad. I'm in a weird emotional state right now, to the point where I'm not entirely sure I should be writing, but maybe this is exactly when I should be writing. Maybe I don't rip my heart out and upload it to the site often enough.

There are some mysteries that will never be explained. This is what I've learned after one exciting semester at college. I'm pretty happy with my professional writing major (even though I see data entry or possibly greeting card work in my future), but when I get in this mood, I wonder if I shouldn't consider switching to sociology.

What makes people tick? It's an important question, because once you understand it you understand the most effective means of communicating with them. There's all that crap about how everyone you ever meet affects you in some way, but I bet it's true. Some people (like our friends) will affect us more than others. The effects of these relationships (see what I just did there) will stay with us until we die.

Relationships and people are volatile, always needing a certain something to stay alive. The formula is different in every case, but why is it that I become so obsessed with the tricky and/or hopeless ones? It's the oldest story in the book, I suppose. Yeah, I know it's na�ve to think you can change people. It's silly to expect that you'll make a difference to someone, even if that someone is very close to you. And let's not forget the most important element of any person-to-person interaction: whoever cares the least controls the relationship.

Yeah, maybe I went and got my heart broken. I thought it was worth it, and maybe it still is, but maybe I should know when to cut my losses. I didn't. It's one thing to let someone break your heart, to know that it's coming and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, to know that, no matter how much you want to, no matter how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough. It's one thing to get your heart broken once. But it's a completely different thing to let the same person run said heart through a meat grinder over and over again. It'll be different this time, maybe. I can do this or that differently and everything will be fine. He'll feel less pressure or something maybe. I guess that's crazy. No, I know that's crazy. But knowing something rationally and being able to act on that are two entirely different things. Emotion conquers all, apparently.

I'm not saying it's all that much easier to be the heartbreaker. The two of you will never quite understand each other no matter what you do, so in the end it's a question of bad days versus good days, like your relationship is some terminally ill pet that you're considering putting down.

"The philosopher Kierkegaard -- he said that the most painful state of being is remembering the future...particularly one you can never have."
- The Parking Lot Priest, Joan of Arcadia

Sure, things could be different. But they're not. And no matter how many different ways you try things, in the end you might just have to accept the fact that it isn't meant to be. This is where I'm at right now. I'm starting to see the definition of insanity (repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result) in what I've been doing, and I'm starting to realize that this relationship is going exactly the way I've been not-so-secretly hoping it would. I know I've at least got a rockin' friend at the end of the day, but I can't help feeling like that's just the consolation prize. Hopefully the baggage I pick up will at least be a matching set.

Someone got here by searching for: quoted sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do Reading: Nothing. Listening to: Vonda Shepard. Eating: Nothing. You kind of whiffed the ending there, buddy. Hey, I'm kind of upset right now. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but get off my back. Take it to the guestbook already.

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