As I write this, I am sitting on the beach, sipping a SoBe and reading a Sue Grafton paperback, waiting for Dr. Sanchez to return with the green pepper and onion pizza. He will forget the garlic dip, but at this point I don�t care. Summer is here.

Lots of times I thought I should have chosen a different elective, or gone to private school - something harder, more grinding, less lucrative, but since I've been gone, I realize that outside of what I'm doing right now - sitting on this beach with my friends - staying at school all those years, doing what we do on a daily basis, was the best choice I ever made.

Um...anyway, I guess summer is almost here, which means that scene is just a fantasy sequence (or an ER rerun) away.

In the meantime, I while away the hours playing email tag and doing research on the impending return of The Mole: The Next Betrayal. SNLfest5 is coming up, and before I know it, I�ll be in Illinois, doing all those things I talked about before.

However, the end of another year means the end of another teaching rotation, leaving me without a class in the world to worry about, but with seven or so hours to fill each day. Thus, these pearls of wisdom, grounded partly in experience from the past year and partly from hell. Just kidding.

Wear clothing.

If I could offer you one tip for the future, clothing would be it. The long-term benefits of clothing have been proved by scientists. Plus, you�re less likely to get arrested for indecent exposure when you�re wearing clothing, as opposed to when you�re not. The rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice...now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of the Internet. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of the Internet until it has faded. But trust me, in twenty years, you�ll look back at screenshots of your old website and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous it really looked. You are not as unorganized as you imagine.

If your computer locks up and Ctrl+Alt+Delete will not work, the best solution is not to rip all the cords out of the back of the CPU with wild disregard for the effects of your actions. Unless you�re looking for attention. In that case, go for it.

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, especially if we�re talking about homework or other school-related activities.

Early to rise and early to bed, while totally healthy, will mess with your head.

Pat Sajak is to Kelly Ripa as Jon Bon Jovi is to Ally McBeal.

Don�t tell people not to vote for other people; they won�t listen to you anyway. Tell them to vote for other people, and they�ll probably ignore you, so you�ll get what you want. Good old reverse psychology.

Being an office aide is like study hall, but it counts as a credit, even if you fight with the person you�re supposed to be aiding, them skulk back the next day to apologize to her assistant.

You, too, can produce your school�s morning announcements show. All you need is $20,000 and a dream. And the ability to go nuts on everybody for wasting three and a half months of your time.

Ignore the directions completely. When that doesn�t work, call technical support and blame them.

Do not read general interest magazines. They will only make you feel depressed about society and its obsession with washed-up celebrities.

Do read Tomato Nation, HissyFit, the Bad Teen Novel, and Television Without Pity. They will restore your faith in humanity and remind you that you�re not the only one who can be snarky.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Frasier will get inexplicably renewed. Your favorite new show will not. You, too, will get bored. And when you do, you'll fantasize about spending the weekend with Bob Dole, dipping long strands of uncooked spaghetti in the jar of peanut butter, and watching an Unsolved Mysteries marathon.

But trust me on the clothing.

***

Pat went certifiably crazy this morning at 6:04 am. The sun was rising. His least favorite time of day. I sent this on so that you might know he was thinking of you all and that he appreciated knowing you would remember it well.

- Dr. Geraldo Sanchez

P.S. Worst. ER. Ever.