I know we're all tired of me beating the dead government team horse to death, but I'll stop writing about it probably around the time that it stops running my life.

It was in the name of government team that I got up at 3:00 this morning (which beats last Friday's 4:00). It's a struggle to get up that early under normal circumstances, but it was especially hard considering my bizzare sleep patterns over the past few days.

I struggled through a shower and made sure to dress all classy. I brushed my teeth and sat down in front of the overnight news shows while I waited on my ride.

Becky showed up and we met Mrs. Coggins at the Shell station. She drove us to the TV station, where we met our English teacher in the parking lot. We had to flag someone down to get into the building. Once inside, we were parked in the break room, which bore a striking resemblance to a continental breakfast bar at a hotel.

We talked for awhile about nothing, which I guess is what you talk about at 4:30 in the morning. Just when we had decided that the TV people had forgotten about us, some lady escorted us to the studio.

A technician was waiting for us. He put Becky and me on the set and got us miked up. We smiled and nodded, not giving a thought to what we'd talk about on the air. We decided it wouldn't be any worse than follow-up questions in competition, and even if it was worse it'd be over in five short minutes.

At two minutes to air, Robert Reeves, our host, showed up. He introduced himself and asked us what we'd be doing today. We laughed politely. Then he told us he was serious. He had no idea what we were going to talk about. And that's when I knew it was going to be a long half hour.

The show started. The first block consisted of Robert Reeves rambling on about the weather, chatting with the weather guy, implicating the news lady in illegal activities, and calling the government team names. The weather guy and the news lady were in another studio, and even though Robert Reeves could hear what they were saying, we couldn't. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I laughed politely anyway.

The second block was our 'interview.' As I understand it, an interview involves asking questions and listening to the answers. Robert Reeves didn't ask us questions so much as he babbled and made assumptions. He'd say things like, "So, you're the government team?" What do you say to that? Yes, we are the government team. You just said that. We shouldn't have to.

The show degenerated from there. The third block was a weather update and then more of the banter. Yes, I froze on live television. I always freeze. Yes, I sounded and looked like an idiot. No, I didn't say anything intelligent. My best contribution to the broadcast was the name of the contact person at the school. Robert Reeves didn't care. He just turned on the telethon-style charm and started rambling on about our basketball team. Shut up, Robert Reeves. The whole point of this interview and this competition is that we're taking focus away from the athletic teams. They have money. We don't.

During commercial breaks, Mrs. Coggins would smile and give us thumbs up. We wondered what interview she was listening to. The fourth block involved a green cake and a random comment about a sweatshirt. Then, Robert Reeves gave a shout out to some old lady he knows that had a birthday. This degenerated into a story about knowing people, which ended in much flailing by Robert Reeves. Throughout this entire tirade, I sat petrified next to Becky. I had to itch my shoulder, but I couldn't do it. We just had to keep smiling. Why were we in the shot? The hell?

After Birthday Flailing Theater, he tried to talk to us again, and he asked an actual question, but it didn't take because the show was over. We had time to give the contact information again before the show was over.

We had to hang around and watch the beginning of the 5:30 show before someone could let us out, and the transformation Robert Reeves made from babbling idiot to serious newsman was entertaining.

I got home and watched the tape, vowing never again to be up that early in the morning unless I'm still up. Then I went back to bed. Fuck you, school.

And shut up, Robert Reeves. Thanks for letting us shamelessly pander for cash on your show, but you're kind of an idiot. I know you were just trying to fill out half an hour that was all fluff to begin with, but still...it seems kind of sleazy. What would you have done if we hadn't shown up? Just rambled on about cake for thirty minutes? Wow.

Again, thanks, but I don't think I'll be going out of my way to make any television appearances in the near future. Oh, and if someone reading this (or someone who saw the show this morning) wants to take pity on us and has $27,000 to spare, feel free to hook me up.

***

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but I think a little prep on everyone's part would've been beneficial. I wondered while I was waiting why no one came to preinterview us, but I can see now that it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway. Anyway, I'm hungry, so I'm going now in search of green cake.