So I got lazy and filled out a survey instead of actually being productive and writing a column. Sue me. And as to the indeterminate origins of said survey, do you really want to trace the lineage or do you just want to know things about me that are none of your business? That's what I thought.

YOUR NAME:

(1) The singular boring question: What is your name?
--Pat.

(2) If you had been born a member of the opposite sex, what would your name have been?
--I don�t know. Patricia?

(3) Would you name a child of yours after you?
--See, there�s the assumption that I�m going to have children. But I guess I have a little bit of an egotistical streak in me, so I might.

(4) If you had to switch first names with a friend of yours, who would you switch with?
--Truliz.

(5) What's the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
--I don�t think I�ve ever heard it mispronounced, save for one time in fourth grade when the lady at church was deaf and thought I said �Powers� instead of my real last name.

(6) If you were to become famous, would you drop your last name (like Madonna, Cher, Roseanne)?
--I don�t know that �Pat� has the same punch as �Madonna� per se, but I guess I�d think about it. It would be one of those cool internet geek questions: what is Pat�s last name? Okay, so in reality, no one would care, but still.

DEEP THEOLOGICAL QUESTIONS:

(7) Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
--Yes, in a sense. I believe that there is a heaven and a hell, so yes.

(8) Do you think God has a gender?
--Yes. And this is going to piss people off, but I just have this image of God as some sort of overweight, affectionate black woman.

(9) Do you think science counteracts religion?
--To a certain extent.

(10) Do you believe in organized religion?
--No, but that doesn�t mean I don�t participate in it on a regular basis. The system isn�t flawed necessarily, but the participants tend to be.

(11) Where do you think we go when we die?
--Some sort of inappropriate bureaucracy in the form of a slightly less civilized version of K-Mart. But only for a minute, because then they�re going to separate the Men from the Boys or the Good people from the Evil people. Right? And don�t confuse this with purgatory, because the actual amount of time we spend at Limbo K-Mart is so small that it�s like it never happened.

(12) Do you feel a little funny thinking about the questions in this section?
--No.

HUMOR:

(13) How easy is it to make you laugh?
--Not easy enough, apparently.

(14) What person you know makes you laugh the most?
--Sars. But L. and R. make the top five.

(15) Do you laugh at jokes you know you shouldn't?
--Sometimes. A good �Your Mom� joke is the gift that keeps on giving. I just can�t get into the �Dead Baby� jokes, though. They�re not really funny so much as they are gross. And that Less Than Perfect on ABC? Not funny at all, but it makes me laugh.

(16) Do you tell jokes you know you shouldn't?
--Not as much as I used to.

(17) What words instantly make you laugh or at least smile?
--Bum rush. Phallic. Fondue. Squishy. Glumpish.

(18) What do you think is the funniest thing you've ever said or written?
--This is really not a kewl question, because you are your own worst critic and there�s really not an answer I can give that anyone other than me would agree with. Plus, I�m not really in a funny mood today.

MUSIC:

(19) Do you ever dance to music when nobody's watching?
--Yeah, and I dance when people are watching, too. Just ask Crash. I pretty much of stole Dana�s dance of joy and made it my own. It�s sort of embarrassing in public.

(20) What is/are the worst song(s) you have ever heard?
--�Pirates Who Don�t Do Anything,� the one that starts off with �Should I start this song off with a question?�, the Chicken Pot Pie song from Troupe World, the time when Gloria Vanderbilt sang �Happy Birthday� to Anderson Cooper on World News Now, that kind of thing.

(21) What song(s) do you wish you could understand a little better?
--Barenaked Ladies: �This is Where it Ends,� �Same Thing,� �Off the Hook.� Ben Folds Five: �Smoke,� �Sports & Wine.� Anything by The Sundays, which you can understand on the literal level, but there�s a whole hidden layer to everything that�s just delicious.

(22) What song(s) are constantly in your head?
--Right now, today? I loop bumper music a lot. Usually it�s from Sports Night or whatever, but as far as real, actual songs, �The Space Between� by Dave Matthews Band, and this week, �Drops of Jupiter� by Train, because I heard it on my date Saturday night.

(23) What song(s) do you think describe your personality best?
--�Trust Me� by Barenaked Ladies definitely makes the cut, as does the either version of the theme song from Philly, which should still be on the air but isn�t because ABC wouldn�t know entertainment if it butt-raped them and then implicated them in some sort of money-laundering scheme involving independent grocers.

(24) If you were to serenade the object of your affections, which song(s) would you use?
--Well, since it�s usually a date-breaker when the other person runs away screaming at the sound of my voice, nothing. Or, if they start first, whatever�s on the radio.

(25) If the object of your affections were to serenade you, what song(s) would you hope he or she used?
--I�m a sucker for anything from the Ally McBeal soundtrack. Basically any manner of oldies from the �50s and �60s will hit me where I live.

MOVIES:

(26) What movie(s) do you love that nobody else seems to?
--Threesome. I�ve never understood why everyone else hates that movie. Sure, it�s a little unrefined and the ending is more depressing than is necessary, but other than that, it�s a reasonable movie. It has its moments, and the soundtrack? Good times.

(27) Do you agree with the idea that sequels are always worse than the original?
--Two words: Grease 2.

(28) Who's your favorite Star Wars character?
--Anakin Skywalker: The Hayden Christensen years.

(29) What kind of movie do you think there should be more of?
--If we could get Aaron Sorkin and Andrew Fleming into a room together, we might be on to something.

(30) What movie(s) do you simply not understand the appeal of?
--Police Academy. Pokemon. Harry Potter. Anything starring Julia Roberts.

FOOD:

(31) When eating, are you more concerned with taste or healthiness?
--Taste.

(32) What's your favorite kind of cheese?
--Mozzarella. It�s a good cheese, and underrated at that.

(33) What do you think your answer to the previous question reveals about your personality?
--Um, it�s cheese. I refuse to play your deceptive survey mind games.

(34) If you knew exactly what went into Chinese food, hamburger meat, etc., would you still eat it?
--Chinese food: reluctantly. The ship has definitely sailed on hamburger meat, though.

(35) Do you ever feel guilty eating meat?
--No. No I don�t.

COMPUTERS:

(36) Mac or PC?
--PC. They say that once you go Mac, you never go back, but they lie.

(37) How much do you actually care about the inner workings of your computer, as long as it works?
--Just enough to pretend to pay attention when someone tries to explain it to me.

(38) Do you ever begin preferring IMs to other forms of conversation?
--Sometimes.

(39) Do you find you're different talking through IMs than face-to-face or on the telephone?
--Not really, and people get annoyed about my near-perfect grammar in IMs.

(40) Have you ever ended bid on something on eBay and regretted it later?
--No.

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES:

(41) Have you ever wished you could experience being the other gender?
--In late-night hypothetical flights of fancy? Who hasn�t?

(42) What do you love most about the other gender?
--The hair. It comes in all shapes and sizes.

(43) What do you dislike most about the other gender?
--The bitching about clothes.

(44) What do you understand least about the other gender?
--The bitching about clothes.

CELEBRITIES:

(45) Do you sometimes see a movie or watch a show just because a good-looking celebrity is in it?
--That�s the entire premise behind, like, half the prime time lineup, isn�t it?

(46) What celebrity's autograph do you want most?
--I don�t know. James Garner, so I could give it to my mom.

(47) Have people ever said you looked like a celebrity, and if so, who?
--I remember having a whole discussion about this one time at TYGFKAGOD, but I can�t remember whom they decided on for me.

(48) If there was to be a movie about you, who do you think should play you (in personality, looks or both)?
--If it were going to be about my early years, I�d totally get that kid from Malcolm in the Middle. He doesn�t look too much like me, but he�s a good actor for his age.

(49) Does it ever annoy you when you know someone is a celebrity but you can't remember why?
--Sure, but that�s what Fametracker is for.

(50) If you could enter any celebrity's mind like in "Being John Malkovich", whose would you enter?
--I don�t know. This is where my obsession with Kelly Ripa would come in to play, I guess. I�d love to know the thought process that Ty Pennington goes through to keep from strangling those jackass designers, though.

(51) Do you want to be John Malkovich?
--No.

NUMBERS:

(52) Do you laugh when you hear or read the number 69?
--No, because I�m not twelve.

(53) Were you lying about your answer to the previous question?
--No.

(54) Do you actually know your Social Security Number?
--Yes.

(55) Do you actually know your IP address?
--No, but Cody does.

(56) Do you know what an IP address is?
--Yes. I�m not a total computer moron.

(57) Do you know the four-character extension on your ZIP code?
--No, but I�m willing to bet that TV Guide does.

(58) Ever thought there were too many numbers floating around in our lives?
--I think we could use a few more, to be honest.

(59) Does your head begin to hurt when you think of infinity, imaginary numbers, irrational numbers, etc.?
--Yes.

(60) What do you think of pi?
--The cherry pi is good, but nothing beats a good pumpkin pi.

LOVE, SEX AND ALL THAT:

(61) Did you get a little frightened or uncomfortable seeing this as a section title?
--No.

(62) If someone you had no interest in dating expressed interest in dating you, how would you feel?
--Annoyed. And sad, because I know firsthand that you can�t make someone love you.

(63) Do you prefer getting to know someone first before dating them or going in "blind"?
--Ow.

(64) Could you carry on a relationship with someone with the same first name as a family member?
--Probably. You might even have to point it out to me before I�d notice.

(65) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?
--Who says it's not? Sure. Fine. Whatever.

(66) What's your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?
--If everyone knows the score going in, it�s hard to screw it up, but I also know all about �too much of a good thing,� so it�s a toss-up.

(67) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
--Yes, but physical attraction is subjective, and I think people are too pretty these days anyway. There has to be another aspect to a relationship if I�m going to stick around.

(68) Do you think the opposite sex finds you good-looking?
--No, but I�ve heard evidence to the contrary, which is kind of scary if you consider the source.

(69) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last?
--No. I just couldn�t do it.

(70) Do you think the number of the last question was a coincidence?
--Grow. Up.

POSSESSIONS:

(71) What is your favorite possession?
--Right now? Probably my Sports Night DVDs. Sad, isn�t it?

(72) What physical, tangible possession do you want most? � I�ve developed a little crush on the TiVo, which would actually piss me off more than it would help me. I wouldn�t look a new laptop in the mouth, though.

(73) How badly do you want it? � On the TiVo: apparently not badly enough or I�d have one. On the laptop: I�m so unbearably poor.

(74) Have you ever seen The Exorcist?
--No.

(75) How long did it take you to understand why the last question is in this section?
--I�m beginning to suspect that this survey was created by the writing staff at Yes, Dear, who seem to think they�re incredibly clever all the time despite the fact that they�re really not.

HOLIDAYS:

(76) Does Christmas music too far away from Christmas annoy you?
--If I�m singing it, no. Anyone else should live in fear of flying office supplies.

(77) How old do you think you will be before you stop liking getting older?
--Probably 30. I�m old enough right now, I think, to appreciate that I still have my youth.

(78) What was the best Halloween costume you ever had?
--I was the Tin Man one year in a whole Wizard of Oz ensemble.

(79) What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had?
--I was a California Raisin one year.

(80) What holiday do you think has still managed to retain its original meaning?
--Thanksgiving. It�s about good food and your annoying family and Thanksgiving Eve football in the freezing cold and all those other things you pretend to hate but would miss if they weren�t around anymore.

(81) There are currently no federal holidays during August- what should be put there?
--Nap Day. Seriously. I�d write to my Congressman, but I don�t have any stamps.

MEMORIES:

(82) How good is your short-term memory?
--My what now?

(83) How good is your long-term memory?
--Better.

(84) What is your earliest memory?
--My dad�s friend Nacho giving me a tricycle when I was three.

(85) What is your happiest memory (other than receiving this survey)?
--Returning to Illinois for one last hurrah.

(86) What is your strangest memory?
--The singalong in L.�s car as we drove to Village Inn. It just sort of happened, but it was really cool.

(87) What song, movie, etc. do you wish you could memorize?
--I�ve pretty much mastered the entire run of Sports Night, and I can stumble through parts of Threesome. TEARS:

(88) What movie makes/made you cry?
--I tell you, the end of Threesome doesn�t make me cry, but it does upset me. I guess I haven�t seen enough sad movies, because I can�t think of any others offhand. I need to sit down with a bowl of popcorn and The Shawshank Redemption. I�ve heard good things about In the Company of Men, too, as far as sad movies go. Man, there�s a whole list of movies I need to see.

(89) What book makes/made you cry?
--Andrew Sullivan nails the silence and loneliness I�ve been known to feel time and again, which gets me all misty, if only because I can truly identify. I�ll cry about a book before I�ll cry about a movie, though.

(90) What song makes/made you cry?
--Pretty much anything by Sarah McLachlan, especially �Angel� (shut up, Pious Boy); �Same Thing� by BNL; �Brick� and �Best Imitation of Myself� by Ben Folds Five.

(91) What makes/made you laugh so hard you cried?
--There are a few episodes of Sports Night that make me crazy. The scene in Dude, Where�s My Car? at the Chinese restaurant used to have me rolling on the floor, but I watched it again last night and had nothing. I guess it�s all context.

THREE TRULY RANDOM QUESTIONS:

(92) Would you like to be cloned?
--No. I don�t trust another little me out in the world.

(93) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it?
--From the way people are talking, this is the end of the world, but I don�t know if I want to be in the room when the nasty shit goes down. It would make for good gossip, though, so maybe.

(94) Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
--What?