"The quickest way to forget about your problems is to listen to somebody else's." - Dolly Parton, Straight Talk
This is the best summer ever. My siblings are back in school already, out the house and out of my hair all day. I can sleep until 11, and when I get up, I don't even have to get dressed. I can lounge around and watch The People's Court and rest assured that I have more self-worth than all those people who can't settle disputes without the assistance of a legal mediator.
I mean, let's just imagine for a minute that I went on Judge Judy to sue my friend T for punching me in the face at work (it didn't actually happen; this is a hypothetical). First of all, I'd probably have to flip a coin to decide between Judge Marilyn on The People's Court and Judge Judy on her show, because they're both really cool. But one I made my decision, I would know how to handle myself. I've been studying these shows for years, so I think I know how to behave in a courtroom, televised or otherwise. And it makes me wonder if the litigants on these shows actually watch the shows they're appearing on before they agree to go. It seems to me that you'd want to know what to expect from a hardass like Judge Judy before you unsuspectingly slithered into her courtroom one afternoon.
I would know what to sue for, first of all. It isn't a contracts case, because I'm suing T, who assaulted me, not my employer, with whom I don't even have a contract. Can you say 'job security'? Since it's not a contracts case, I can sue for pain and suffering. I think that's about all I could sue for, because I'm not stupid enough to lend money to people I work with and it's not like I went and got a cell phone for someone else in my name. I'm above financially ruinous decisions like that.
Pain and suffering it is, and the statutory maximum on these shows is $3000. I would know to bring my evidence to court unless I wanted the judge to make some arbitrary judgment about the actual monetary value of my pain. If T punched me in the face, I'd call the cops and an ambulance, providing two key pieces of evidence: the police report and the medical bills. I'd tack on about $1000 to whatever the total was and I'd bitch and moan about how my face injury kept me out of work and -- oh, you know what? I could sue for lost wages! I just thought of that.
Once I picked my judge, collected my evidence, and made it to the courtroom, I would be able to maintain a level of common courtesy. Testimony is no different than real life. Only one person should speak at a time. It's the polite thing to do. And I would know better than to speak to the other litigant, lest the bailiff lecture me.
The judge would love my charming personality and striking good looks and would award me the entire $3000, over and above whatever I'd sued for because I was so polite and it was obvious that T's punching of my face was completely unprovoked on my part. Then I would be a complete gentleman in the post-case interview, stating that T just had a bad day, that there were no hard feelings, and that I hope we could still be friends.
People show up in court all cocky and think they can pull a fast one on the judge. If you're wrong, own up to it and do the right thing. That way, you don't come off as a jackass in front of a national television audience. And you can split the appearance fee with no hard feelings. Come to think of it, I'm going to sue one of my friends. It's a quick and dirty $3000 appearance fee (well, probably not, but why not be optimistic?), most of which we'd have to spend on plane tickets, but I'd get to meet a TV judge. And the other litigants would know that I'm better than them.
Reading: Okay, you caught me. 7th Heaven recaps. So I'm a little excited about another year of TWoP. So sue me. Listening to: Passions Watching: Hollywood Ending. Woody Allen sucks. Oh, and I caught American Wedding over the weekend. It was better than the second one, but not as good as the first one.
