It's been a wild and crazy summer on my new favorite reality show, The Amazing Race. All the way back in June, twelve two-person teams embarked on a race around the world. The prize: $1,000,000. And if you're even remotely interested in the premise, surely you know about it already; thus, we press on.
My favorite team: Chip and Reichen. Of course they're gay (and inexplicably billed as 'Married' on the show. I'm all for gay marriage, uh-duh, but last I heard, it hasn't hit the United States yet.), and if that wasn't enough to make them my favorite team, they're also pretty. So there you go. I'm incredibly shallow, but I can mind my manners in a court of law. Anyway, after the first week of running around, I declared Chip and Reichen my official TV boyfriends.
We've been dating for twelve amazing weeks and we've been through a lot together: misguided plane ticket-related anger, childish door handle-holding, alleged face-hitting, integrity-questioning, craziness in India, a touching anniversary, map confusion, and, of course, cuddling with orangutans. We got along perfectly. I drooled when Chip swam underwater in his underwear and I looked the other way on the occasional fit-throwing; they went along merrily, being reasonably attractive and refusing to acknowledge my existence. We had a near-perfect relationship.
Until tonight. As they probably don't remember from our many one-sided conversations, I am a voracious reader. Not enjoying the art of reading isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but it doesn't hurt if you want to be in a relationship with me. It also doesn't hurt when you're on a race around the world and you have to read clues and maps and stuff. Yeah, maybe Chip and Reichen should have thought about that before they agreed to all this. What do you mean, what am I talking about? You know perfectly well. Everyone who's anyone watches The Amazing Race. (Or is it, 'Everyone who's anyone eats babies'? Gosh, I can't remember.)
Allow me to set the scene. It was the final elimination round and the race was down to four teams. Every second really did count. The Clowns were already in trouble because their flight was delayed. They were running behind. They should have been eliminated and they eventually were. Bummer, but them's the breaks. However, the instructions clearly said, "Make your way on foot" to The Amazing Mat (TM Miss Alli). And what did Chip and Reichen do? They drove to the pit stop. They got to the mat second (David and Jeff had already taken the Fast Forward, and if you don't know what any of the words I'm throwing around mean, you really should hit up the CBS site), but Phil informed them that since they technically cheated, they would be assessed a penalty of thirty-five minutes. This was enough time for Kelly and Jon to secure second place for themselves, but not for the Clowns to come in and claim third place. Thus, the clowns were Philiminated.
Do I necessarily believe that my boys deliberately ignored the instructions they were given? No. Was the time penalty an appropriate punishment? I guess. Did it really make a huge difference if they hit the mat a few seconds behind Kelly and Jon? No. Was it worth it to drive and be branded cheaters? No. Is this going to haunt them next week when they (hopefully) win? Are people going to be questioning their integrity once again? I would have to say probably. Plus, how cool did the clowns end up being?
Thus, I have decided to break up with Chip and Reichen. It's been a great summer and we've had a lot of fun, but they made one stupid mistake too many and it ended up costing (of all teams) the clowns their place in the final three. Would I feel differently if the Clowns weren't such wonderful people? Maybe. Is that the point? No. Is this whole 'answering my own questions' thing getting annoying yet?
I just feel guilty by association and I feel like if Chip and Reichen win, it will be tainted by their questionable actions here. That doesn't mean I won't still cheer them on to the finish and be happy for them if they win. I'm only human, after all, and I'd like to think that we can all still be friends.
It's just that I was so excited when I sat down to watch this week that I could barely stay in my chair, and they've gone and trampled my good spirits. Television has disappointed me once again. I want that written on my tombstone.
This breakup is for the best, though. It'll free me up to focus on my next project: running for governor of California.
Someone Got Here by Searching for: Jennifer Gage Dovacek. Reading: It's between my senior yearbook, Getting Unstuck, and the 7th Heaven recaps. Freaky obsessions die hard, I guess. Listening to: Alanis Morissette. Watching: Will & Grace.
