Dear Ear,

Okay, not. You're going to have to shut up, because it is entirely too early in the morning for you to be pulling this shit. Granted, it may not have been smart to drive around all last night in the freezing cold with the window down, but there's not a whole lot I can do about that now, is there? Please shut up. I need to go back to sleep. Sleep is good.

Pass the Tylenol,
Pat

P.S. Don't make me come in there with a Q-tip, because no one really wants that. Think about it.

Dear Medical Clinic,

I really do appreciate the fact that you're the only medical facility in a thirty-mile radius that's open on Sunday. I understand that you're busy. I understand that you're understaffed. I understand that people are annoying. I know. I work with people. I also watch ER, so I have a concept of just how annoying patients can be. That's why I've been sitting here patiently for the past, I don't know, two hours. I'm sorry I frightened you when you called my name. I only jumped up like that because I was excited to finally have something to stare at that didn't involve your peeling wallpaper and because I thought I might be one step closer to alleviating the excruciating pain centralized in the canal of my right ear. Too bad all you wanted to do was get my vitals.

Hopefully you'll get to me before you close at five,
Pat

Dear Women in the Corner,

Thanks so much for reading aloud that article on women's inability to have orgasms during sex. It was very informative and not at all distracting to any of the other patients in the waiting room, who may or may not have had, oh, I don't know, headaches or earaches or any other condition that might be exacerbated by LOUD NOISE. I especially liked the part where you shared your personal experiences with this problem.

Thanks for furthering my pursuit of knowledge,
Pat

Dear Mother of Two,

Um, your kid just collapsed onto the floor and all you can say is, "Oh, he just passes out like that"? I'm glad you find it amusing, but you might consider that it could possibly be a serious medical problem that you should see a doctor about. You're here, and that's good, since the first step is always admitting that you have a problem. But don't thank the people that helped pick your son up off the floor and put him in a wheelchair or anything. Everyone knows that the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone but them.

That doctor thing was just a suggestion though,
Pat

Dear Woman's Day,

I know it's not your fault that you're the only magazine left in the waiting room that I've not yet read and I know I'm not exactly a perfect physical specimen, but even I know that if I want to look "less tired," I should splash cold water on my face.

The Weekly World News is more informative than you,
Pat

Dear Bag Lady,

So you've been coming here since 1989, huh? That's great. Then you should know from your previous visits, or perhaps the large sign in the lobby, that this particular clinic DOES NOT TAKE MEDICAID. At all. It is not an acceptable form of payment for services rendered at this establishment. That's why the nice clerk kept asking you for your co-pay.

What's that? You've owned your house since 1968? That's kewl. I, too, hope to be a homeowner one day, but right now I'd settle for you fishing $15 out of one of your bags there, handing it to the receptionist, sitting down, and shutting the hell up because you're not helping.

I hear the grocery store is having a sale on cat food that you might want to check out,
Pat

P.S. Okay, that last part was a little mean, but shut up, lady!

Dear Paxil poster in Exam 1,

Restlessness? Fatigue? Difficulty concentrating? Irritability? Muscle tension? Sleep disturbance? Yep, that's me. Apparently I can't leave now without getting a prescription for Paxil along with my ear drugs. Thanks for making me a hypochondriac. You're almost as repulsive as the poster next to you featuring the stages of fungus decomposition underneath the toenail.

You suck,
Pat

Dear Remma,

Okay, so I guess I just assumed that a combination of Tylenol, antibiotics, and prescription eardrops which say on the freaking label that they're for pain relief would make the pain go away at least a little bit, and I'm just wondering why the ear won't shut up and stop hurting. Am I asking too much?

The pain is very real,
Pat

Dear Sleep,

You know how much I love you, right? I'd like to think that we've had a fairly decent relationship over the last seventeen years, so I'm just wondering why you're deserting me in my time of need. I know we've grown apart in the last few years, what with the all-nighters and the weekend escapades, but I would've thought you'd jump at the chance to spend a little extra quality time with me, nursing me back to health. I see now how wrong I was.

Should I plan on a 4 a.m. wake-up call every day for the rest of eternity? The only reason I ask is because I don't think I'll need the late-night Tylenol after about next week,
Pat

Dear God,

Okay, the hell? I understand that you're probably just punishing me indirectly for Saturday night, and while I appreciate that, this ear thing is still a pain in the ass. I know that I'm certainly in no position to ask for anything, especially after you bailed me out this weekend (which I appreciate more than I could ever verbally express), but I thought we'd pretty well covered the 'patience is a virtue' portion of the curriculum. I realize now that I was wrong. Give me a sign. Tell me what I need to do to make the hurting stop. Also, thanks for the get-out-of-church-free card on Sunday. I needed that.

Yours respectfully,
The kid you've known was trouble since he was a speck in his father's eye or whatever that crappy expression is but never thought would be more trouble than he was worth who is only recently beginning to grasp how much he owes you one but still knows better than to play the 'I'll never ask you for anything else ever again' card this early in life

P.S. See you on Sunday. Maybe.