You try eating the Sweet-n-Low.

I�ve been having quite a week. It is once again layout week, which will inevitably lead to the dreaded layout night, an all-night marathon of newspaper laying-out and such. My former Algebra II/Trig. teacher has been replaced by the Math Nazi, a man who we suspect peels off his face somewhere around where the fourth chin meets the neck when he joins Sally Sasser on Steve Guttenberg's boat each night. And I just remembered I have an essay outline due in half an hour that I haven�t yet started on. Add to that the week to week doldrums of work and volunteering, as well as those bonus meetings and comings-together (I believe that�s grammatically correct. If not, sue me), and you�ve got a good case of writer�s block.

But the writer�s block may have a little more to do with crazy drunken out-of-work losers who like to tower over unsuspecting columnists as they try to churn out a weekly column. However, said crazy drunken out-of-work losers tend to be the only citizens in Alabama dumb enough to seek part-time employment as substitute teachers. Thus, we ended up with an incredibly annoying man who had an unbelievable tendency to bring out the homicidal urges in me. More than once yesterday, I reminded myself that it was only for one day, that my regular supervisor would return tomorrow and the world as we know it would return to its regularly scheduled schedule of things to do, a schedule that does not impede the creative process with pointless stories about all-nighters and fifths of Jim Beam.

So I suppose the point is that I fear change � in all its incarnations. I don�t like NutraSweet instead of pure, granulated sugar. I don�t like event programming (I�m looking in your general direction, Olympics) preempting my favorite shows. And while we�re talking about the Olympics, here are a few things I noticed during this year�s games.

• The women are going over the little humpy things and skiing down the hill. That just looks painful. Ooh, that girl fell down...hard. This is actually mildly entertaining. Oh, wait. That�s the girl from America. Damn. Oh, well.
• I never understood the thrill of cross-country skiing. The downhill I totally get, and I love the hell out of it.
• The integrity of this wonderful sport was challenged, as a French judge admits, then later denies, that her vote was influenced by the Russian mafia. Because when I think of figure skating, the first thing I think of is, "Well, finally, an honest sport."
• Short program my ass. Wars have been won in less time.
• And what is the deal with Hannah Storm? Did they drop her on her head? Repeatedly? I just don�t understand it.
• You have got to be kidding me with this. Ice dancing? Please. Isn�t this essentially just figure skating, only more pointless? I can't even imagine training (or wanting to train) for such a fake sport. And what I can't imagine even more is being bad at it. I understand the concept of 'everybody can't win,' but give me a break here. If you're going to participate in a fake sport, at least be the best fake competitor.

I don�t like people I know moving away from me. (For that matter, I don�t like moving away from people I know to come live in the Ignorance State [Alabama].) I don�t like change in any way, shape or form. Change is uncomfortable. I like getting myself into predictable little ruts. I don�t like having things happen that are beyond my control. They throw me off and I get all crazy and then I can�t write, and I don�t like it when I can�t write, because then you end up with crap like this.

But since the point came a little bit � no, a lot early this week, I guess I�ll have to fill the rest of the column. I don�t like people blowing up our buildings and people dying. That�s a form of change that really sucks. (Know that I�m not trying to belittle or oversimplify, I just can�t write this week.) I don�t like when my normal complaining and editorializing is interrupted by people who justify their presence in a word: �Layoff.� Yeah, try �Unemployable,� you bum. You�re about as funny as the idea of a Yearbook Yearbook or Ted Koppel turning Nightline into a hybrid news/late night talk show. Yeah, that�ll work. It�s about as funny as my VCR taping the entire wrong night of programming, so that, instead of Friends, Will & Grace, and ER, I ended up with a horrible tape of Frasier, Watching Ellie, another insufferable Frasier, and Dateline. Eew. I knew there was a reason I stopped watching Dateline.

This whole column is sort of an embarrassing grab bag of miscellany. The opening paragraph has been consistent in everything I�ve tried to write, and the Olympic observations were, at one point, their own column. I know that as soon I as I get this on the site, I�m going to regret it, but that isn�t going to stop me. I offer the product of change, an evil, reviled mistress who sometimes takes the form of many-chinned, poorly educated hicks with penchants for boring people with their long-winded stories. So, blame change for this mess. I do. And unless next week brings even more horrible change, there will actually be something readable here.