A Major Cardiac Event

I've been rewatching the first season of ER, and there's a scene where Carter explains to someone that someone else had a 'major cardiac event.' It made me giggle because he could have just as easily said 'heart attack' or something similar that makes the trauma sound more tragic and less like a miniseries.

Don't they always say you're not supposed to drink and get in a hot tub? Because it'll, like, boil your intestines or something? I guess that drinking in the hot tub probably isn't too safe either, even if it is just a Bacardi mixer. I only stayed in the hot tub a few minutes, because I didn't want my heart to explode like a baked potato in a microwave.

The Streak is Over

Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry hadn't thrown up in, like, fourteen years? That was my life. Until this weekend. A little PSA: it is unwise, unhealthy and (since hindsight is always 20/20) recklessly dangerous to consume the equivalent of thirty shots worth of vodka in half an hour's time. You'll be hella buzzed, it's true, but when it comes back up (and it will), it's going to be ugly.

How ugly? Well, around 2:00 Sunday morning, as I leaned out the passenger door to heave, I lost my balance and did a full somersault onto the shoulder of I-65, where I landed in the fetal position and proceeded to regurgitate dinner and everything after. It's easy to laugh now, but I was walking a very thin line between gratuitous vomiting and alcohol poisoning. Get drunk responsibly, y'all.

Etymology

Vodka is believed to have been derived from the Russian word voda, which means water. Because the Russians drink vodka like it's water, see? Okay, that was really bad. My apologies.

These days, vodka is the most popular distilled spirit in the United States. You don't have to sell me.

Clubbing

It follows that one might wonder what the cause of all this drunkenness was. There's a certain club in the area that, while conveniently and thankfully catering to a diverse community, is straight up boring if one is sober. I knew this going in, and as such knocked out the aforementioned half a bottle of Skyy (yes, the big bottle).

By the time I hit the club, I was way buzzing. I flitted around the place, rubbing people in inappropriate places, getting offered (and declining) free drinks, accepting a glo-stick from the club's owner, and employing a rigorous booze-soaked screening process in my search for potential hookups, namely:

1) Do you like boys or girls?
2) Do you wanna go make out?

So there it is. Despite being more trashed than I'd ever been before, I still had enough of my wits about me to know better than to go any farther than kissing or take anyone up on the offer of staying in town at his place for the night.

And when the shit (well, it was actually puke) finally hit the fan, I was lucky enough to have great, trustworthy, caring friends around who were sober enough to ensure that I made it back to University Town in one piece.

The Power of e-Commerce

Thanks to the Internet, you too can own your very own breathalyzer. I'm not sure I understand the advantage of having this, unless it's to test your drunken teenage children who come home late from 'studying.' ("Buy two and save!" Heh.)

Baby�s First Hangover

I was too unconscious by the time I made it home in one piece to remember to take the requisite two Aleve with a giant glass of water, instead choosing to pass out on the nearest flat surface. Thus, I woke up with my very first actual hangover. I've had some rough mornings after (Boone's Farm and Aristocrat, I'm looking in your direction), but this was the granddaddy of them all. I could walk and talk, but any movement of my stomach was a cause of great pain. The mere mention of food would give me chills. It was many hours before I even touched the cheese sticks that came with our pizza order. On the plus side, I've finally figured out what Sundays are for: recovering.

Promise Keepers

I knew better, however than to make that promise as I huddled over the porcelain god (actually, I was too out of it to be having any semblance of meaningful thought, but six of one). I'm young and stupid. This will by no means be my last drinking experience. This, my friends, is just the beginning. "I swear I'll never drink again"? Right. It doesn't even sound believable.

Someone got here by searching for: funny election speeches And: red cross gay discrimination And: appearance fee Judge Judy Reading: Crawling back to The Accidental Tourist. Watching: The South Park movie. Listening to: Ben Folds' Speed Graphic EP. I need to buy this. Soon. Eating: A Snickers bar. Mmm, choco-nutty goodness. Drinking: Kool-Ade. I'm going to take my return to the bar verry slowly.