Or before they commit me, anyway.

1. Skydive.

2. Bungee jump.

3. Pilot a helicopter.

4. Write a successful novel.

5. Write a successful expose of 'the industry.'

6. Own a candy hearts company.

7. Win an Emmy award. (A Primetime Emmy award...no, one of each.)

8. Drive a bus.

9. Have someone call this site "pimp tight."

10. Discuss trivial day-to-day matters with important government officials over pizza.

11. Buy a soft drink company.

12. Build a plastic bubble (sort of like a BioDome kind of thing) in which to live...temporarily.

13. Run for president in the 2020 election. Lose.

14. Produce a successful syndicated talk show, singlehandedly reviving the genre.

15. Make tittlemouse officially a licensed trademark and merchandise the hell out of it. Of course, step one is for enough people to visit this site for me to turn a profit, but whatever.

16. Draft legislation to make St. Swithen's Day an officially recognized national holiday.

17. Necessitate a personal bodyguard.

18. Join the much-storied Mile-High Club. Heh.

19. Get myself out of a sticky situation using chewing gum and a paperclip, a la MacGuyver.

20. Figure out a way to keep ice from melting, yet keep it from chunking together, so that I can finally coexist with it peacefully.

21. Solve the eternal mystery of how many licks it actually takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

22. Exec-produce the Doogie Howser, M.D. reunion special for UPN. Hey, I'm sure we'd beat the XFL, anyway.

23. Star in a series of PSAs on the importance of using elipsis points correctly.

24. Never, ever once light up a cigarette, thereby relieving the nearly-inoperable self-control part of my brain from any sort of challenge ever.

25. Have a big old wall of TVs, like at a stadium, only bigger. Like, four Jumbotrons stacked in a giant rectangle, so that I can watch 64 channels really small at once or one channel really big, or half of two channels, or four channels, one on each Jumbotron...the possibilities are truly endless.

26. Get in a knock-down, drag-out fight with a "really bad man." Win.

27. Form a support and lobbyist group for formerly sane people who are forced to deal with other people on a daily basis in their jobs.

28. Call Julia Roberts a "fishface" to her face.

29. Buy, buy, buy. $ell, $ell, $ell.

30. Never, ever do manual labor for more than fifteen minutes at a time.

31. Have the gods of fate smile upon me. I know that reads like total bullshit, but it certainly was fun to type.

32. Have a conversation about books with a talking monkey.

33. Live in a huge-ass mansion.

34. ...with an Oprah-shaped pool, featuring a waterslide that is skinny in some parts and wide in others. Deep.

35. And a full live-in staff, including maids (see #30), chefs, gardeners, and all the other employees rich people have.

36. Love.

37. Drive a rocket car.

38. Feel the thrill of victory...

39. and the agony of defeat.

40. Get away with some of this sappy tripe that I've been writing.

41. Write the great American novel, an underground hit shunned by both critics and publishers.

42. Have a sandwich named after me.

43. Find a place where everybody knows my name.

44. Fix ER.

45. Run a charitable organization to help ordinary people with everyday expenses, sort of like Richard Simmons DreamMaker, but with a better costume department.

46. Get drive-thru married...

47. ...and then drive-thru divorced. In Vegas, of course. A whole bunch of times.

48. Get falsely arrested and prove my innocence in a big ol' trial.

49. Get needlessly audited by the IRS when they find out that "no, I haven't been laundering money. Do I look like I own a Dry Cleaners?" Okay, maybe that's a little bit wrong, but my brain is off in the Virgin Islands this summer. Obviously.

50. Kick someone's ass, just for the hell of it. (This is kinda like #26, only in this one, the guy isn't really bad. Maybe he just said something I didn't like. I know, I know. Violence is not the answer.)

51. Write for Saturday Night Live.

52. Pay Craig & Steve my own hard-earned money to finally wrap up The Pretender adventure.

53. Drive downtown in the rain at 9:30 on a Tuesday night just to check out the late-night record shop.

54. Outlive the Hanson brothers. I know this sounds weird, but 100 is a lot of things.

55. Drive the entire U.S. interstate system.

56. Be an independent contributor to the library, making up a significant percentage of the budget so they always have enough new books.

57. Find a way to reunite the cast of Sports Night for just one more episode.

58. Follow the sunrise from London to New York.

59. Get a refund on Little Nicky directly from Adam Sandler.

60. Solve an Unsolved Mysteries mystery.

61. Let my animal friends roam freely throughout the house, much to the maid's dismay.

62. Have my own cereal. It would be kinda like Corn Chex, only with marshmallows.

63. Go diving in the Virgin Islands.

64. Have an offshore bank account in the Cayman Islands.

65. Make and immediately eat melon balls for an entire morning.

66. Discover a way to keep buffet food from congealing after five minutes, because that's just nast.

67. Blow up a fireworks stand. Heh.

68. Jump off a building, landing forty stories below on a nice, comfy, very inflated mattressy thing.

69. Convert my entire video collection to DVD.

70. Have a giant music festival on the grounds of the mansion for my birthday. Invite cool people like BNL, REM, Smash Mouth (maybe to open), Counting Crows, Sheryl Crow, those kinds of people.

71. Publish a 'collected works' of all the essays that have appeared on the site.

72. Pass legislation prohibiting local affiliates from pre-empting or interrupting network programming for any reason. No crappy election updates for me, no sir.

73. Pass the baton. Vague, isn't it?

74. Squeeze the Charmin.

75. Write a book, masquerading as children's fare, that in reality is wholly inappropriate and draws both complaints and death threats.

101. Never do this again.

76. Meet the queen and ask her if she knows how useless and obsolete the position is these days.

77. Kick Bill Gates square in the balls. He knows he deserves it.

78. Support/pass, etc. legislation making it illegal to use blocking and filtering software in America�s libraries. This is not the Ice Ages, this is the 21st century, and freedom of speech MEANS freedom. of. speech.

79. Win some awards. I�m not picky, other than the Emmy.

80. Buy a convertible to match my sunglasses, a la Jennifer Lopez.

81. Eat an entire five-pound bag of sugar. Nic and the gang at CPL know I can do it.

82. Hold the �Miss Greasy Waitress� Pageant each year in Atlantic City. Hey, there�s UPN again. And in case you were wondering, no, I will not let this �greasy waitress thing� go.

83. Dance in and around the Friends fountain.

84. Make crank calls to the White House and the Pentagon...at the same time.

85. Drink until I can drink no more.

86. Flee the scene of an accident.

87. Severely beat someone who sets me up for a Candid Camera-style stunt.

88. Have the room in my house I always talked about � the one where I go to throw things.

89. Find the truth, which, I�m told, is out there.

90. Scheme and plot to get Ben Folds Five back together.

91. Invent the computer equivalent of the blowtorch.

92. Invent some sort of phone thingy to unblock people who are blocked when you hit *69. Unless someone has already done that.

93. Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony...or just buy an assload of soft drinks and distribute them freely.

94. Buy a Shoe Carnival store and turn it into a game show.

95. Tip a waiter 200% just to be nice.

96. Find a new use for the Smart Clapper.

97. Work with dogs.

98. Bring about the permanent end of National TV Turnoff Week.

99. Eat ice cream for an entire morning, acquiring a massive headache and then requiring a lot of aspirin.

100. Plan a classy funeral.