Mmm, special features.
You know things are bad when I start a column with the words 'Picture this,' but:
Picture this: it's Christmas morning, the presents are neatly sorted by recipients' names, and everyone takes their turn opening one present, oohing and ahhing, and going back to feeling the remainder of their bounty for something they might have, you know, asked for as the next person in line begins the process anew. But enough about my family and our weird Christmas crap.
Last year, amongst 'yellow sweaters' and fruit cakes (baked and human), everyone got a suspiciously shaped present: too big for a CD, too small for a computer game. As everyone went aggro on the wrapping paper, they discovered...movies. Not the good, old-fashioned VHS tapes to which we had become accustomed, but rather the wave of the future: DVDs.
Included in the mess of movies were such Christmas classics as It's a Wonderful Life and the original Miracle on 34th Street, but the real joy of the season was felt in the receiving of The Simpsons: The Complete First Season.
It was, of course, the one we used to christen the DVD player in a formal ceremony and one that remains heavy in the rotation today.
As the whole DVD experience was new to me, I was (and am) amazed at the amount and quality of the extras. Wait a minute, the what now?
The extras. This was a totally new and foreign concept to me. Supplemental material included with the actual presentation? Alleluia. You'd think they'd finally found a way to portion HBO out in little boxes.
Not only were all thirteen of the shaky-start first-season episodes digitally remastered, they included kick-ass audio commentary from creator Matt Groening and other producers and writers from the show.
Also on the discs: bloopers, an animatic from one of the shows, promotional 'Inside Edition'-style interviews and so much other cool stuff.
And that is, in essence, what I love about DVDs. There is so much extra crap on them that you can't get on VHS, and even if you could, it's still so much easier to get to by hitting 'Menu' than fast-forwarding all to hell and back for a music video that, three hours later, isn't worth it anyway.
...with Steven Hill as DA Adam Schiff. Awwww! It's Adam! We love Adam! Mmm, Law & Order.
I also have good things to say (although maybe to a lesser extent) about the complete first season of America's #1 comedy, Friends.
The four-disc set includes the first 24 episodes, most (if not all) with footage cut from the original broadcast. Not that I can tell the difference or anything, as this is pretty much the first time I've seen a lot of these episodes. The extras include a 'Friends of Friends' video guestbook, an interactive trivia quiz, and an interactive map of Central Perk. Sexcellent.
These sets, along with a few others that have come into my possession, have only begun to whet my appetite for TV the way it was meant to be.
And my DVD experience hasn't been limited to offnet series. I don't rent very many movies these days, but when I do, they're on DVD. I don't know what it is, but there's just something about Empire Records all pretty as opposed to Empire Records all fuzzy taped off of UPN.
All this by way of saying, DVDs are cool.
The impending release of the series run of Sports Night has taken me on an Internet expedition for information about DVDs of all kinds and has helped me realize my true love of the medium.
In the weeks and months to come, TV on DVD lovers like myself will be treated to the second Daria movie ("Is It College Yet?"), the second season of Friends, and the first season of television's classiest drama, Law & Order.
The benefits of releasing series by season on DVD are myriad. First, crazy people like me who tape everything and have hundreds of tapes of messily organized episodes of dozens of shows will now be able to toss the poorly edited tapes aside in favor of clear, crisp sound and picture quality and no uneven breaks where you forgot to hit record again after the commercial.
Second, free crap. Can you really argue with extras protruding from every orifice? Can you? No, you can't. I defy you to argue with DVD extras. Second-audio streams featuring DVD commentary cannot be beat. At all. And get them while you can, because now the bitches want to be paid for the extra time they put in to sit and watch their own damn work. Sorry. I promise not to go off on any more tangents.
Third, and I think this bears repeating, free crap. What about bonus cast bios and bloopers? What about Easter eggs you can only find when you hit 'PBC off'? What about trailers and promos and ill-advised music videos? What about full-frame end titles for credit whores like myself? What about alternate cold opens and the occasional alternate ending? (Speaking of, if my heroes at The Simpsons are reading this, can we have an alternate ending to 'Who Shot Mr. Burn?' when we get there? Please?
I'm sorry, but if you took away my ability to watch anything in first-run production and only gave me DVDs, I would be happy for the rest of my life. After all, I'd never have to see that stupid 'Tell your mom you don't like Pop-Tarts' commercial ever again. It would be almost orgasmic. Eew. I'm sorry, that was probably inappropriate.
Anyway, let's talk about movies. Movies on DVD are cool, too. Remember Threesome, the questionable movie I keep referring to? I've got that on DVD. I've got Gossip, which is worth an hour and a half of Sharon Lawrence bitching just for the twist ending. I've got Dude, Where's My Car?, and I honestly can't tell you how that happened, but I'll still watch it. Why? Because it's on DVD. Sure, Office Space is a much better movie, but until I pony up for the pleasure of owning it on disc, it shant be seen. On an unrelated note, DVDs are so much better than movies about interoffice politics bootlegged from Cinemax starring Ron Livingston and Jennifer Aniston.
So basically, this entire column is a (deserving) love letter to the medium that has revolutionized the way I watch TV. Here's to releases of It's like, you know..., Boston Common, hey, even Two Guys and a Girl. But we'll draw the line at Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher and Kirk. Because you've got to have some standards, right?
