This week�s column was supposed to be about some experiences I had at work recently, but since that didn�t pan out, I decided to take this one off the back burner and throw my hat into the ring on the best episodes of the best animated series in the history of television. Some of them are a little shaky, but the gist is in there.
At most, this is one person�s useless opinion, but at least this will remind you of some great Simpsons episodes. Because if we forget that it�s been fourteen years since a little show premiered that would change our lives forever, then we have only ourselves to blame.
10. Bart After Dark
Originally Aired: November 24, 1996
The story: Lisa talks Marge into going to help rescue animals from an oil spill. This leaves Bart and Homer on their own. Bart causes some damage at what the kids call the local "haunted house." As a punishment, Homer insists that he go there and work to pay for the damage he caused. Bart discovers the house is actually a burlesque parlor. And when Marge gets back home...
Why: If not for the song at the end, then for the fact that the entire community is tied to this burlesque house (�Our skimpy costumes ain�t so bad; they seem to entertain your dad!�) that we�ve never seen before and will never see again (�We just heard this place existed!�). Yay for pointless television reality.
9. Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
Originally Aired: February 7, 1997
The story: Feeling stressed out, Marge hires a nanny.
Why: You have to ask? Nelson: �I picked you some posies, Sherri Bobbins.� Grandpa: �I think we got our umbrellas switched!� And the singing (�If you cut every corner you�ll have more time for fun�It�s the American way!�), although I could�ve done without the boozehound song. (Bart: �Can I be a boozehound?� Homer: �Not �til you�re fifteen.�) It�s just good overall.
8. Homer vs. the 18th Amendment
Originally Aired: March 16, 1997
The story: A drunken Bart on St. Patrick's Day gets Springfield thinking about prohibition. They discover they've already had a law on the books for 200 years. Homer becomes a bootlegger known as the "Beer Baron," despite Rex Banner's attempts to keep Springfield dry.
Why: One reason and one reason only. The underground pipes leading to Moe�s.
7. Das Bus
Originally Aired: February 15, 1998
The story: Otto takes the kids on a bus trip, however, there is an accident that causes the bus to go off the bridge. The bus is swept out to sea and the kids are washed up on a desert island. Waiting to be rescued, the children struggle for survival a la Lord of the Flies. Meanwhile, Homer sets up a business on the Internet (after all, if Flanders can, why can't he?) that piques the interest of Bill Gates.
Why: Any classic literature, from �The Monkey�s Paw� to, in this instance, Lord of the Flies, is always better the Simpsons time around. �It�ll be just like Swiss Family Robinson, but with more swearing. We�ll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!�
6. Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Originally Aired: December 21, 1997
The story: Bart sneaks downstairs and opens one of his Christmas presents early. Playing with his gift, a fire truck, causes a fire that melts their plastic tree, so he hides the evidence of his deed and claims that a burglar has stolen their Christmas. The town of Springfield opens their hearts and their pocketbooks to the Simpson family, until the truth comes out.
Why: Nods to It�s a Wonderful Life and Dickensian London. The whole Simpsons and Christmas thing is just perfect (i.e., the first episode that aired was the Christmas one, so as a result all the other Christmas episodes have to kick ass). Or maybe it�s just because Christmas is easy material.
5. Grift of the Magi
Originally Aired: December 19, 1999
The story: The elementary school is closed when they pay the money they owe to Fat Tony, but then they can't afford to stay open. Salvation comes in the form of Jim Hope and Kid First Industries. Lisa discovers that the corporation is actually using the students to design the next hot Christmas toy.
Why: Guest star Gary Coleman plays it like no one else could. And the narration at the end? �Mr. Burns was visited by three ghosts during the night and agreed to fund the school with some money he found in his tuxedo pants.� It just doesn�t get any better than this. Oh, wait. It does.
4. 22 Short Films About Springfield
Originally Aired: April 14, 1996
The story: Small slices of life in Springfield are shown, such as: Bart carves sugar; Apu in "The Jolly Bengali"; Lisa with gum in her hair; Smithers and the bee sting; Dr. Nick saves the day; Moe gets robbed; "Skinner and the Superintendent"; Homer, Maggie and the newspaper; McDonald's Quarter Pounders vs. Krusty burgers; the Bee Man at home; Chief Wiggum, the hood and the storekeeper; Reverend Lovejoy and his dog; Lisa and the gum (part 2); Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel; Milhouse has to use the bathroom; Chief Wiggum, the hood and the storekeeper (part 2); Lisa and the gum (part 3); Nelson gets his comeuppance; Bart and Milhouse find the truth; The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink is almost seen.
Why: A different kind of Simpsons episode, the kind the series can pull off that lots of people can�t. Plus, every kid thought the place they grew up was boring.
3. Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo
Originally Aired: May 16, 1999
The story: When Homer is robbed of the family vacation money, he hears about a "Mega Savings Seminar" from Flanders. Using the seminar's techniques, the family learns how to squeeze every penny, including taking their family vacation in Japan. When they lose all the money they have to get home, the family competes on the Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show to win plane tickets home.
Why: �The Simpsons are going to Japan!� The whole episode just reeks of good humor: Homer as the cat burglar at Flanders� house, the dinner at America Town, Homer�s speech and subsequent forgetting of everything that happened on HSSCFWS. Excellent.
2. Lisa's Rival
Originally Aired: September 11, 1994
The story: Lisa's world is turned upside-down when a new girl joins her class, but is smarter, a year younger and a better saxophone player. Homer thinks he's hit the jackpot when a sugar truck crashes.
Why: The sugar.
1. Bart on the Road
Originally Aired: March 31, 1996
The story: Bart and Lisa spend the day in workplace, Lisa with Homer and Bart with Patty and Selma. Bart makes himself a fake ID and then with Martin's money rents a car. Bart, Milhouse, Martin and Nelson go on a road trip to Knoxville for their spring break. Homer (lonely at work) gets Lisa to spend her spring break with him at work. Marge is alone with Maggie.
Why: Go to Work with Your Parents Day? The National Grammar Rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada? �Well, you don�t look 25, but your unlaminated, out-of-state driver�s license is proof enough for me.� How could this not be the best episode ever?
Granted, most of the viewing population is going to disagree with me (�The monorail episode!� he shouted), but I�m putting this out there, if only for posterity, but more than likely just because I�m too lazy to actually churn out a real column. Maybe next week...
