Wal-Mart put out the red and pink displays, fancy restaurants started booking up months in advance and I am anxiously awaiting another Teletubbies Valentine from my Grandma. This can only mean one thing: Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is a time for chocolates, cheesy Hallmark cards, and of course, having a date.
Unfortunately, some of us, for whatever reason, just can't seem to get a date.
Thus, the hard fact is that society sees the dateless among us as hard-luck losers with no chance at a real relationship at any point in our lives.
I and my plan for running off to an exotic isle with an ill-gotten $3 million beg to differ, but I�m just one example.
As for the rest of you, before resorting to burning all traces of former relationships as part of some sort of bizarre �cleansing ritual� and wallowing in self-pity, consider these tips for lonely �losers.�
* See how many candy hearts you can fit in your mouth at one time.
Those things are really, really good. This exercise is also pretty good for your math skills if you count as you go. The thrifty may even wish to wait until February 15, when all the candy will be on sale at drastically reduced prices. (After all, if you can�t get a date for Valentine�s Day, chances are you won�t have one on Friday night either.)
* Pick out some nice clothes and treat yourself to a fancy dinner...
...at McDonald�s. Believe me, this isn�t even going to place on the top ten weirdest things ever to happen at McDonald�s, and plus you know everyone�s going to be staring at you. Finally, you'll be getting some of that attention you so richly deserve.
* Dance with the nearest domesticated animal.
Take your dog or cat by the paws and blaze across the kitchen floor to some sort of romantic music, or some non-romantic music, if you�re so inclined. Just imagine how special your favorite pet will feel as you serenade him or her to the timeless music of Hanson�okay, never mind.
* Rent �Sleepless in Seattle� and throw things at the screen.
Come up with your own system. For example, dried macaroni every time an obscure film reference is made, and lumps of chicken fat in any scene featuring Rosie O�Donnell.
* Send a box of Valentines to the famous.
This will require another trip to Wal-Mart, but it�s worth it. Get a box of theme Valentines, the kind elementary kids exchange. Write your own name on the �From� line and then send them �To� various celebrities. See if you get any type of response.
* Get revenge through chocolately goo.
The next time someone offers you a chocolate from one of those expensive assortments, rearrange them so they no longer match the little paper. Then watch in delight as someone bites into what they think is a chocolate covered cherry, only to discover bitter, nasty coconut.
While I caution you to take my advice with a grain of salt, the point is that Valentine�s Day is just another Hallmark Holiday, an evil scheme perpetrated by greeting card and candy companies with a little help from the dental industry. Thus, the dateless among us should not feel sad and lonely. Rather, they should feel wise and wary, refusing to conform to yet another scheme to bilk the American people out of their hard-earned American dinero.
Those in healthy, committed relationships can remember this as they enjoy a night of dining and dancing with their loved one or significant other. You are contributing to the decline in western civilization as we know it. Now try to pretend like this is just another date.
