I should be writing a paper for my World Civilizations class, but it's Friday, so here's another riveting edition of The Friday Five.

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?

The name I have now is the same name that's on the birth certificate I have now. The name changed (and I can tell you this now without getting in trouble) when I went into the Witness Protection Program back in 1990. I witnessed a terrible atrocity: Cop Rock. ABC paid for me to be brainwashed and relocated, but in my opinion, the damage had already been done. But for real, it says Patrick on the birth certificate. These days it�s Pat. So to answer the question, I don�t know. I guess.

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?

Max Power. Nah...Bill Gates. Then I�d just have to move to Seattle and hope some checks get delivered to the wrong house. I'm sure Bill Gates has his own ZIP code and everything, though, so that probably wouldn't work either. If I were going to change something about my name, I'd probably just flip it around and go by my middle name, William.

R. might remember that I tried that during the trailer park camping trip from hell a few years back. The nice lady at the bank asked me about it today. Apparently she sees a lot of college students who go by their middle names. I guess the main reason I might change to my middle name is that I'd just be caving in to peer pressure, as I am wont to do.

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)

Patrick is for my mother's brother, Patrick. William is for my mother's late brother, William, who died before I was born. Obviously my mother named me, and it's sweet that she named me after her two brothers.

That was almost a trend in our family, as Crash is named after my father�s sister, but Dumb and Dumber ended up having their names picked out of phone books, as I recall. It's not like the sibling pool ran dry; my mother had another eight brothers and sisters to choose from and my dad had six, but I guess they started thinking the family reunions might get a little confusing. Now that I think about it, Dumb and Dumber each have middle names of uncles, so I guess the pattern went stealth or something after child number two.

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?

I can rattle off a whole whack of boys' names: Benjamin, Edward, Thomas, Michael, Joshua, Adam, Ryan, Matthew, Mark, Lucas, Jonathan...I guess I'm about the Biblical names. Good to know. I don�t really spend tons of leisure time thinking about girls, so my list of girls' names is considerably shorter and more boring, too boring, in fact, to bear repeating.

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com accurate? How or how isn't it?

I ran 'Pat' and I wasn�t overly impressed, so I took a shot with the full name and it went a little better. Read on:

"Your first name of Patrick creates a serious, thoughtful nature, shrewd, efficient, and business-minded. You are one to make your own decisions, and not be influenced by others. You desire independence and freedom from the authority and interference of others. You are not overly ambitious, preferring instead just to seek stable, settled conditions which are adequate to meet your responsibilities. In your personal relations with others, you are inclined to be rather serious, and not to see the humour others see, or to respond spontaneously. Your positive manner and outlook can make others feel that you are imposing your will on them and even interfering in their affairs."

A lot of that is true, surprisingly enough. Or is it? You tell me. I got bored with the site before I discerned how they formulate these analyses, but I did check my name�s health report before I left:

"Weaknesses in your health caused by the influence of this name centre in the head. Head colds, sinus conditions, hay-fever, and weak eyes are relative conditions. Also, your tendency to worry can lead to insomnia and other overwrought conditions."

All of that is true. I'm always dripping snot on something, which covers the first three ailments, and I'm legally blind without these here contact lenses, so the health report is surprisingly dead on. That's creepy.

There you go. Another Friday of mostly pointless filler. In other news, I may or may not be going back home to the 'rents this weekend. Such a venture may prove financially prudent, as there is a severe shortage of funds in the area of my suit pocket. Apparently, the pretension has rubbed off on me. I must now bathe. Oh, and do laundry. Gotta do the laundry, because I have a shiny new roll of quarters.

Reading: TV Guide�s Fall Preview issue. I skipped right past the drek (Nick Freno got another job? How is this possible?) to the 'new and improved' listings section, which features shiny new daytime grids that kind of suck. They�re probably okay, but I don�t like it when they fuck with the TV Guide. I suppose I�m resistant to change only when it occurs in magazine form. Listening to: Megan Mullally. Girl can sing, for real. Watching: Circuit. The story was okay, but it was, to borrow a phrase from one of my favorite teachers, "shot through gauze." Another reminder that drugs are everywhere. Eating: Subway�s Red Wine Vinaigrette Club. Mmm. But I forgot to get stamps. I�m losing it. It�s the drugs. Damn dirty medication.