The task of starting � well, resurrecting � College University's Gay-Straight Alliance has fallen into my lap, and I have decided I am up to the challenge. It sort of worked out that this literally got handed to me. I'd been putting 'Go see that lady about the GSA' on my to-do list each week since my arrival, but I hadn't quite gotten around to it. I was presented with the necessary organizational materials, which compelled me to make the visit I'd been putting off for so long.

I met with the advisor (who is a really nice woman) and we set a date for an organizational meeting. She called the peeps in charge of booking meeting rooms while I made flyers. Then she copied the flyers and gave them to me to hand out. That's when I started getting uncomfortable.

My street smartness (like I have that) is terrified of being seen near 8.5x11s that contain the word 'GAY' in big bold letters. In my head, I know this isn't a big deal, that I should suck it up, tack it up, and walk away, but I can't reconcile these two competing impulses. I also know that the longer I stand in front of a given bulletin board (and the more suspicious I look and act), the more attention I draw to myself. I'm not doing anything wrong, so why do I act like it? Why did I shuffle away in silence when I saw two guys snickering at one of the flyers I'd just put up?

I could make excuses, blaming it on the campus's overwhelming religious majority. But there is a decent gay population on campus as well; it's just less visible, and that's one of my main motivators in taking this project on. And it�s not like I'm starting this club outright. It's existed before in various incarnations, all of which have gone generally undisturbed. I know all of these things. I know that no one is going to beat me up because I posted a flyer. I'm fairly confident that they'll remain intact for the most part (one has already been ripped down, but I can live with losing one out of twenty-five). I keep coming back to this basic, deep-rooted notion that what I'm doing is somehow wrong, that it's something I should be ashamed of.

What I'm doing is organizing (or attempting to organize) a legitimate political and social minority for the purposes of fraternization, friendship and equal protection under the law. It's called the Fourteenth Amendment, bizzotch. Look it up.

I have a so-called 'agenda' that would be unnecessary in a perfect world, but last time I checked, we've got a little way to go before we get to Utopia. I'm bringing to my little corner of the world some acceptance and tolerance (except to bigotry) that has gone a long way in a lot of other places. It's a good thing. I should be proud, not ashamed, especially if I'm going to lead this group.

I go to that happy place in my mind, that safe harbor. Of course, the first thing I come up with is from a TV show: if Justin can do it, so can I. I even have the school's support and permission, for crap's sake.

I mull over something I wrote and never posted here (which, pathetically, also has to do with television, and the same show to boot. I was literally raised by the glowing box.). I wrote this on the day I bought my QaF season two DVDs and posted it on another forum:

One of the boys saw my DVD and snickered a little. He nudged his friend, who also snickered when he saw what I was buying. They got their receipt and scampered out the door. (For the sake of this entry, we're going to assume they were laughing about the general homosexual content of the material as opposed to the rumored drop-off in quality during the show's second season.)

Here's what's important about this story. A year ago, if this had happened, I might have made it to the parking lot before bursting into tears. But now, I just felt sorry for those boys and their ignorance.

I am proud to be able to walk into Best Buy and come out with Queer as Folk. I am proud to walk into Barnes & Noble and come out with the latest xy.

I find pride in the fact that, two years ago, I would have been one of those snickering boys. I find pride in the fact that, one year ago, I finally found the support I needed to come to terms with myself.

I find pride in the fact that now I have no question about the definition of the phrase 'gay pride.'

I think about the two boys I saw today. It's not too late to feel sorry for them, too. When I saw them laughing, the shame was all mine because I accepted it and let it be that way. But when I stopped to think about it, I realized that the shame was all theirs. But I can't worry too much about them. I have a job to do, obviously, and I will do it with my head held high.

I mean, I've accepted my sexuality, and I still have moments of religion- and society-fueled guilt. It's a long road to acceptance and equality if we can't among ourselves accept that we are okay human beings. It's flyer time.

Reading: Literary analyses of The Accidental Tourist, which are few and far between. Listening to: The hum of the computer and the clacking of various keys. Watching: Not a new Law & Order, as NBC pulled it (and tonight's firstrun programming) for fear of baseball ratings wrath. Jerks. Counting down to: Austin! It's less than 36 hours away. Woo!