DISCLAIMER: While we were putting together the hotter-than-J. Lo-in-hot-pants issue of The Crimson Crier you currently hold in your hands, we careened over a speed bump in the parking lot of the editorial process. Some voices on the staff (or possibly just in my head) insisted that, although what follows is clearly a blatant satire, there are those amongst our readership that would just not get the joke. I started to argue, but then remembered that those that would not get the joke are the inspiration for this column.

The whole point, IN MY OPINION AND NO ONE ELSE�S, is twofold. One, lighten up. And two, if you�re going to get all misguided bleeding heart/vigilante crusader on the newspaper, know what you�re talking about first. Now, on to this piece of fiction, which is not based in reality insomuch as this conversation never really happened, but it might as well have, given the amount of mail and death threats we received after our last issue. Not that you wouldn�t have been able to figure that out on your own. Disclaimer not valid in Vermont or Massachusetts. Some local taxes may apply. See store for details.

As I sat down with my imaginary friend Dr. Geraldo Sanchez to peruse last month�s issue of the high-quality publication The Crimson Crier, I took the time to correct some misconceptions about our excellent (as in, three-time All-Alabama) newspaper.

Upon reading the various editorials in the op/ed section, Geraldo turned to me and inquired, �Don�t you think there will be some flak about this drama story thing?�

�No,� I said. �For you see, that is the editorial process.�

�Elaborate,� a confused Sanchez demanded.

�Well, you see, this story is an editorial piece, riddled with anticipatory phrases such as �some students feel� and �rumor has it,� blah blah blah fishcakes.

�Thus, those voices of dissent need remember that stories on the opinion/editorial page of this fine publication are just that: opinions and editorials, not factual stories based in reality. Because if that were the case, we�d all be on the hook for libel.�

�Don�t you mean slander?� Sanchez asked.

�No, I mean libel. Slander is spoken lies about someone. Libel is printed or broadcast material.�

�Oh. I get them confused,� Sanchez replied.

�That�s okay. It�s a common mistake,� I offered.

�Well, if I were in the drama production, I might become so angry as to wish for the death or violent boot to the head of the author of this piece,� Sanchez blabbed on. �Who might he or she be?�

�That�s a fair question, but one I�m ill equipped to answer. You see, the story, as an editorial, represents the feelings and opinions of the editorial staff as a whole. Therefore, the editorial is not written by any one person, but by the entire editorial staff,� I explained.

[DISCLAIMER (c�td): Unlike the story you are now reading, which is an opinion, representing the thoughts and ideas of one specific staff member. Call within the next twenty minutes and get a free hat. Plus tax, title, license and dock fee.]

�What about this ridiculous front page headline: URINATE INTO THIS CONTAINER, PLEASE. One might say that this paper is headed straight into the toilet.�

�Yes, Geraldo,� said I, �but one need only think back to our story last semester to know that we�ve already been to the toilet�and beyond.�

�Yes, that is unfortunate. What about the �Inquiring Minds� question? These responses are ridiculous. You can�t fit �I�m a lover, not a fighter� on one of those tiny, delicious candy hearts,� Sanchez countered.

�The populous is a misguided mistress,� I said, sighing.

�Yes, I suppose so. Okay, to review: were I to write a story about how much I hated that one hall monitor that looks at me funny, then slap my name and picture beside it, it�s my butt because that�s an opinion.�

�So far so good,� I said.

�However, if a well-informed and researched editorial staff forms a mass opinion about said hall monitor, the anonymity of the author or authors would be forever protected,� Sanchez concluded.

�Very good. See, you�re learning,� I said, elated.

�And the smelly hall monitor�s only recourse would be a letter to the editor,� Sanchez said in delight.

�Exactly. However, to have an opinion as such and not get, you know, suspended or sued, you�d actually have to be on the newspaper staff,� I reminded Sanchez.

�Ah. Foiled again,� Sanchez exclaimed. �Well, off I go to find another forum for my demented ranting. Hey, what�s this about a broadcasting class?�