What's the litmus test for 'TV expert'?
The gold standard in televison listings, TV Guide, is celebrating its fiftieth year of publication with a series of special issues devoted to the fifty best cartoon characters, the fifty best Friends moments, the fifty best shows of all time, the fifty best types of paper the Guide has been printed on, blah blah blah fishcakes.
I wanted to complain way back when they forgot Animaniacs in the best cartoons list, but I held my tongue, and I did a damn good job of it, too, until last week.
Last week, TV Guide 'senior critic' Matt Roush put together a list of "Fifty things I love about TV." While Matt and I have often disagreed about the quality of programming in these past few years that I've been subscribing to the Guide, I have a 50% chance of seeing things the same way as him on any given day. I don't know how I feel about his little list, though, so I decided to pick it apart, item by item, and see where I stand in relation to people who actually do this for a living. Here goes:
50 Things I Love About TV
1. Cliff-hangers
Cliff-hangers do, in fact, kick ass. Any season finale of The Pretender can tell you that. You could also ask more than one season-ender on Friends, the good people over at ER, and even the questionably talented writing staff at 7th Heaven, who had me going pretty good with that whole 'Mary is pregnant' storyline some years back. The good cliff-hangers are the ones that make you nuts in anticipation of their resolution, so maybe ER shouldn't count, since they have a tendency to forget prior events ever happened.
2. Chandler-isms
It's a list of fifty things, and for his official Friends mention, he picks Chandler. I'd go with Phoebe's nonsense songs way before I'd say anything nice about Chandler or Matthew Perry. I'd even pick Monica's obsessive compulsive disorder before the Bing.
3. Vulcans
I'm going to refrain from comment on this one, because I'm not a big Star Trek fan, but I do have a certain respect for the fandom, and I do think that at least one of the shows deserved to make the list.
4. The Remote Control
Remote controls are handy, but mine has recently started doing some weird things. I'll be sitting around watching Regis and Kelly and the TV will just turn itself off. How this relates to the remote control, I don't know, but everyone I've asked says it does. I think I just need a new TV.
5. Tribal Council
I guess I can live with this, because the first Survivor didn't totally suck, and Roush mentions this in his explanation. I actually haven't even seen the show since that first summer season, so I can't comment on its current state of watchability or not.
6. Stupid Pet Tricks
You gotta respect the David Letterman, and the Stupid Pet Tricks are always a good pick. Other possible runners-up include that Rupert Jee guy, that girl Stephanie, and the Top Ten List. Good times.
7. C.J. Cregg
Here's the thing: Aaron Sorkin knows his shit. C.J. Cregg is my favorite character on The West Wing. The West Wing isn't nearly as good as it used to be, but it's still decent. However, if it was a choice between C.J. Cregg and a Sports Night mention, I totally would've gone with the Sports Night.
8. Roots
Never saw it. That makes me a bad person. Don't care. It's at the library if I ever feel the need to scratch that itch.
9. The 60 Minutes Stopwatch
I love the 60 Minutes stopwatch, but the part I like even more is at the end of the opening where they all say their names and Leslie Stahl says, "And I'm Leslie Stahl. All this and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 Minutes."
10. Final Jeopardy!
I'd have to give it to Jeopardy if we're talking best game show ever. I love almost everything about the show. I'm not wild about the Clue Crew, but I'm getting over it. The thirty seconds of music tends to make me feel stupid if I don't know the answer, though.
11. Seinfeld's "The Contest"
I do love Seinfeld, and I probably never would've even seen the show if it weren't for this episode, which catapulted it into the limelight. It's a fairly solid script and the double entendres are unmatchable still today, so it's a keeper.
12. Cartoons
Again, I don't think Matt Roush has any right to talk, since he (read: the magazine) left the Anamaniacs off the list of greatest cartoon characters, but cartoons are still a good thing. I do like me some Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers. Does anyone else remember the Disney Afternoon from twelve years ago? Good times.
13. Breaking News
I can abide this arguement ten years ago, but let's take a look at the breaking news we've experienced in the past ten years. We had the O.J. Simpson chase, the O.J. Simpson trial, the Oklahoma City bombing, Columbine, and September 11. None of that was depressing or anything. Yes, breaking news is certainly charming, especially when no one knows what they're talking about.
14. Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby's only redeeming quality is Fat Albert. I don't like any incarnation of The Cosby Show, I didn't like The Cosby Mysteries, I didn't like Kids Lick the Darndest Things, and I didn't like I Spy. I know you all hate me now, but I don't care.
15. Julia Child
Or not.
16. HBO
There are some good shows on HBO (Oz, that other show), but good luck finding them in that mess they call their schedule. That might have something to do with why they're at an all-time low for subscribers. Everyone's defecting to Showtime.
17. Fox Mulder
Hmm. I haven't been able to take David Duchovny seriously since he told some reporter in an interview that he liked to watch people have sex. Thanks for the visual, Davy.
18. "Norm!"
Shut up, Cheers. Shut up, Ted Danson. Shut up, Kelsey Grammar. Shut up, Woody Harrelson. Rhea Perlman and George Wendt can stay, though.
19. British Imports
Okay, not. This is where you put something like Unsolved Mysteries or even a Nickelodeon show, because even that Nickelodeon tripe is better than a Britcom. Mr. Bean was funny, but mostly because he didn't talk. All the other Britcoms ever? Sucked. Ass.
20. Alias Costume Changes
I don't remember anyone making a boring list when Andrea Parker was running around in her slutty leather skirts on The Pretender. Is Alias planning on haunting us the way Cheers and M*A*S*H have? Is it? Because I don't know if I can deal with that.
21. "Let's Be Careful Out There"
Hill Street Blues, eh? You know, that show that used to be on NBC on Thursday nights back before you were born? I guess it should get props for setting a precendent for Law & Order, but I still say Doogie Howser, M.D. works just as well here.
22. Bob Hope Entertaining the Troops
All the money in the world could not make me pretend to like Bob Hope. Bob Hope is annoying. Bob Hope is just riding the coattails of his own former success. Bob Hope is a loser. Bob Hope should slip gracefully into nothingness, the way Johnny Carson did.
23. The Muppets
The Muppets? Are you fucking serious? Well, maybe the Sesame Street muppets. I do like Big Bird and Snuffy and Elmo and all those kewl people. So yeah, the muppets can stay. But not Miss Piggy. She's a bitch.
24. "Heeere's Johnny!"
I don't even know where to begin telling you about my dislike of The Tonight Show in all its incarnations. Sure, Carson wasn't nearly as bad as Leno, but still. At least he mysteriously disappeared when he retired. Follow his lead, Marky Mark.
25. Robert Duvall's Death Scene from Lonesome Dove
Absolutely not. Maybe Richard Bey's death scene from The Practice, but since I had never even heard of this scene until reading the article, I don't understand why it merits a mention.
I think I only paid 98 cents, though.
26. The Olympics
The Olympics? You have got to be kidding me with this shit. Everyone loves the Olympics in theory, but the execution is invariably flawed, especially when Bob Costas is involved.
27. Law & Order Reruns
Now here's something you put on a 'top 50 things about TV' list. I've never really met an episode of L&O I didn't like. I've met some characters I didn't necessarily agree with, but that's part of what makes the show so engaging. I like TV that makes me passionate about something, not because it created the passion but because it awakened something inside me that had been dormant for awhile. Plus, it's really been helping me in my government class. All these years of watching TV are finally starting to pay off.
28. Whistling to the Andy Griffith Show Theme
I would have agreed with you on this when I was five, but my Andy Griffith phase was short-lived and I really have no use for the show now. I dread to think that's what someone will say about Seinfeld or Friends fifty years down the line, but if there's one thing I know, it's that things change.
29. Ken Burns
I never have seen a Ken Burns documentary, but PBS seems to think they're pretty cool. If I was going to pick something from PBS, I'd pick Frontline, because they have some interesting reports every now and then, but I guess if I haven't seen any of Burns' stuff, I shouldn't really get to talk.
30. Vitameatavegamin
You knew I Love Lucy was going to make the list, if only because the first cover of TV Guide featured Lucy's new baby. I can't really argue about this one, because it's a pretty funny scene, and as much as I dislike the proliferation of I Love Lucy memorabilia, I will give the show its props for some pretty funny shit.
31. The Final Four
I absolutely loathe televised sports, and I think CBS is insane for carrying the Final Four. It's just a scheduling nightmare. And watching basketball gets boring after about ten minutes.
32. Carmela Soprano
HBO is already on the list, and I've never even seen The Sopranos, so I guess I don't get to talk or whatever, but I think this might be overkill or favoritism or something.
33. Having a Good Cry at a Herskovitz-Zwick Show
You win this arguement on My So-Called Life alone. Case closed.
34. The World of Disney
Despite the fact that it is pure evil, Disney has produced more than a few things that didn't completely suck over the years, and many of them have made it to televison. Good for you, Disney.
35. Ted Koppel
You lose this arguement on the hair alone. Case closed.
36. Rosalind Hays Falling Down the Elevator Shaft
Now all David E. Kelley needs to do is send Bobby Donnell down an elevator shaft, and The Practice will be good again. I know there are a lot of things wrong with that statement, but I don't care.
37. The 1973 Saturday-Night CBS Lineup
I move that we replace this with the 1998 Saturday-Night lineup of Early Edition (CBS), The Pretender (NBC), and Profiler (NBC). That was some good shit.
38. Premiere Week
Everybody loves premiere week, if only for the super-glossy press kits featuring all manner of slickly dressed celebs pimping their new series. So what if more than half the shows don't make it to December?
39. Goose Bumps from The Twilight Zone
I don't remember ever getting goose bumps from The Twilight Zone. Goose bumps from Unsolved Mysteries, maybe, but definitely not from The Twilight Zone.
40. Discovery
That's specific. Discovery. That gives me a lot to work with. You might as well have just said, "Those little red, blue and green dots on the monitor," because that's just as non-show-specific. Discovery. Heh.
41. Private Eyes
Jim Rockford? Hell yes. Magnum, P.I.? I should say not.
42. Springfield
Finally, props to The Simpsons. Springfield is complex and interesting. An excellent choice if I do say so myself. Here, unlike in #40, the generalization works, because it has specific limits and yet it remains all-encompassing in its universe.
43. Turner Classic Movies
I would've gone with American Movie Classics, because they did it first and they did it better, but I'm not the one in bed with Ted Turner, so whatever.
44. Dana Delaney
Um, ew.
45. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"
Ah, the magic words. Sometimes, they're the best part of the whole ninety minutes. You always know they're coming and you can't wait for them to arrive, because that means it's on. Magic. Words.
46. Mary Martin as Peter Pan
Or better yet, Ann B. Davis as Alice.
47. Today
I'm sorry, am I the only one who walks around going, "But first, this is Today on NBC"? Probably. It's a part of our national culture, at least the television part of it, whether we like it or not. Damn you, Bryant Gumbel.
48. Everybody Loves Raymond
I'm finding that the only people who really can't stand this show are the people it makes fun of (i.e. doting parents of adult children). This show can make no sense and still be fucking hilarious.
49. Oscar Parties
I've never been to an Oscar party. I've only heard about them. I suppose that it's good to have friends and alcohol around going into that nightmareathon, but maybe I'm just not 'mature' enough to handle these Oscar parties yet.
50. Spike
We had to scrape so much bottom to get to fifty things that now we're singling out individual characters? Where's Schneider from One Day at a Time? Or Carol from Carol & Marilyn? You're damn right you should be asking, "Who?" Stupid TV Guide
Well, that ended up being a total waste of time. Thanks for wasting the hard-earned 98 cents I spent on this issue. Maybe you want to make a New Year's resolution to put some actual content in this magazine.
But maybe it wasn't that bad, and maybe I should just take an Advil, pop my tape of SVU into the VCR and call it a night. Good enough. TV Guide can sleep on the couch.
