I sat down last night in front of Unsolved Mysteries and decided from the teaser that it would probably be a good episode. During the first break, I flipped over to NBC to make sure that Friends still sucks, but I was instead greeted with President Bush in all his...um, glory doesn't really work here, does it?

Anyway, I started working the phones, alerting practically everyone I knew that the president was on TV and they better tune in so they can watch him declare war on Iraq.

"I don't like where this is going," I told Kevin. "This is not a good sign," I told Daphne G.

I watched the speech. After that, I watched the speech some more. Later, I got up and got some dinner. When I came back, I watched the speech some more. Then the speech was finally over and we still weren't going to war with Iraq.

"Bush is a big pussy," I told Kevin. "He should've just ripped off the Band-Aid and gotten the ball rolling on this," I told Daphne G. (And what was up with that part where he straight up refused to tell us what he was waiting for before he'd get it together and call it a war already?)

And then I had to sit down and do some square breathing because I was so frustrated.

For the record, I think this war is ill-advised. I think that President Bush has a vendetta against Saddam Hussein for things that happened twelve years ago that are a private family matter. I think the president is abusing his position of power to take care of what his father wouldn't or couldn't. And I really, really wish that George W. would stop trying to hide behind September 11th. This proposed war with Iraq has absolutely nothing -- that's right, absolutely nothing -- to do with September 11th. Shut up, President Bush.

The thing that frustrates me about this is that if Bush wanted to oust Saddam Hussein, he should've done it, like, a month ago, because if he had, we'd be done with it by now. Instead, the enconomy is taking it in the gut and we're all babysitting CNN and gnawing on our last fingernails.

Ideas are for using, not believing, so let's use this idea: better late than never. It's an oldie but a goodie. Sure, the President should've taken care of this mess by now, but if he'd just cry us a river, build us a bridge, and get over it, I'm sure we could all deal with it. We know it's coming, but we have no idea when.

We're like children who know they've just waded into some deep shit but have no clue how or when they'll be punished. The precipice is often worse than the freefall. At least if he declares war, we can stop worrying about when he's going to declare war and start worrying about getting our shit together for the move to Canada when they reinstate the draft.

And if you don't think that's a possibility, well...you're probably right, but still.

So, in conclusion, go get your balls out of your momma's purse and fucking declare war on Iraq, President George W. Bush!

***

I'm actually writing this from the University of Alabama's main campus in Tuscaloosa. As you may have heard, I'm attending the Alabama Scholastic Press Association's annual convention, which so far has been incident-free. Expect a full recap of the weekend's events sometime next week. Unless, you know, I get motivated and actually write a real column for a change. Whatever.

Except to say this: karaoke. Yeah.