After I came out, Pious Boy and I got into what was basically a glorified flame war about whether homosexuality is evil. He said he didn't understand how or why I wanted to live such a hard life, why I wanted all the crap that comes with being gay. Perhaps it's naive and idealistic to pretend it's an easy life. I mean, you're out, everyone knows, you can at least be up front about the boys you're seeing, and life is good. Right?

But then all anyone has to do is mention the name Matthew Shepard. Just the name makes me shiver involuntarily. I can't imagine dying such a horrible death. Not even dying, really, because after they pistol-whipped him and left him there to die, Matthew lived, at least long enough for his tears to make two small tracks down his bloody, tortured face. It's all I can do not to cry when I see a buck fence. It makes me sick that human beings are capable of things like that. How can someone hate something so much that he'll kill someone who disagrees with him? And as if the unmeasurable sorrow of knowing your son was beaten and robbed in cold blood wasn't hard enough, Dennis and Judy Shepard had to see Fred Phelps and his clan protesting outside the funeral, declaring that Matt went to hell because he was gay. What is wrong with people?

So there's gay bashing, and not just on large scales. Every time I get called a fag, every time a GSA flyer comes down, that's gay bashing, or at least the root of it. The religious fanatics are the worst, spouting their hatred in neatly wrapped Bible verses. You point to the place where Jesus said that boys who fuck each other are going to hell and we can end all this right now. It makes me crazy that I used to be so scared of myself and the people around me that I was a part of all this. I feel sad that the better option was to lie and hide. I feel sad that there are still so many people who still feel that way.

And then there's the big one: HIV. There are probably trillions of sexually transmitted diseases you could acquire in a lifetime, but the one that stops me dead in my tracks is HIV/AIDS. It is ridiculous in this day and age to still call it a gay disease, but there is still a good portion of the population that is infected. While you can't get something from someone who doesn't have it, how can you know that someone is telling the truth? There is no cure for HIV. Hopefully we'll find one someday soon. All the research, fundraisers, and AIDS walks have to amount to something, right? But it's never fast enough. So many people are already plagued with the disease, and it's a death sentence. Granted, there's all kinds of medication you can take to keep it in check, and it could be years before the virus mutates into the disease, but still, eventually it will. And even if it doesn't, you're ostracized from the gay community, which is already cliquish and shallow enough. It's modern-day leprosy.

And then there are the legal issues. The Declaration of Independence implicitly states that "all men are created equal." The three equal rights amendments to the Constitution purport to protect everyone, regardless of skin color, religious background, or sexual orientation. And yet we still need the Supreme Court to step in and say that sodomy laws are discriminatory. What's wrong with this picture? It probably has a lot to do with the fact that the legislature is composed mainly of old white Christian guys who are there to play the game rather than represent their constituents. As with the African American civil rights movement in the 1960s, we've got a long, hard fight ahead of us. Forty years after Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot and killed because of what he believed, his dream of total equality is just that: a dream.

So I guess there is a lot of bullshit you have to deal with when you're gay. That's part of the reason so many people stay in the closet. When all you're thinking about is how much you have to lose, it's hard to focus on how much more you stand to gain. So what did I tell Pious Boy? I told him all the crap was worth it if it meant I could be honest with myself. I could handle looking over my shoulder as I walk home at night. I could deal with the perceived threat of disease. I could deal with the court battles, the legal challenges and attempts to prevent me from living my own life like everyone else in this country. I told Pious Boy it was worth it to be able to feel good about who I am, to be able to sleep at night. And it is.

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