The graduate (2).
...must come to an end.
"It is not even the beginning of the end, but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." - Nicole Sullivan
I did it. I graduated from high school last week. There was pomp. There was circumstance. There was silly string. But aside from the formality, it's as if nothing has changed. I'm still in limbo.
My own graduation was the first of three I attended in four days last week, and it occurs to me that I cried more when the kids on Boy Meets World graduated than I did at any of these other commencements, where I actually knew some of the graduates. I know you're not supposed to make sense of it when it's happening to you, because it's happening really fast and it's all a blur and whatnot, but I kind of hoped that either my sister's matriculation from the 8th grade or my cousin's high school ceremony would give me a chance to prove I'm not dead inside. The closest I came was almost crying when the high school kids in Texas covered Dave Matthews, but that was just because their class chose a better song than mine.
So what has changed? I don't ever have to go to school again, but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I still tuck in my shirt every day, a fate worse than death when I moved here two and a half years ago, but now I don't know if it's all that horrible. I keep waking up at 6:30, only to roll over when I remember I have nowhere to go until after noon (not that I'm complaining).
Maybe none of it will sink in until some September day when I'm wandering around my college campus and I realize things have changed. Maybe this is how people end up becoming teachers. There's a bizarre comfort in the confinement of a K-12 classroom. It's a structure, a regiment, a routine as familiar as the smells of a grandmother's kitchen. All that diploma really means is you can't go back there again, at least not without getting your education degree first. Maybe it will only take my siblings returning to the halls of public education at the unbelievably early date of July 31.
Maybe it will start to sink in when the dust settles on the whirlwind that was May. May is a month that is busy by design. Research papers are due, finals are given, graduations are held, families come to town. It puts the whole world on a tilt and maybe it will just take the calmness of the daily routine for me to finally understand that it's over. I was thrilled at the turnout from my family; there were six extra people at my house -- how cool is that. The last of them got on a plane this morning, and I've been up since five when they left. Maybe that's why nothing makes sense right now.
On the other hand, thank God it's over. It means nothing, really, that we matriculated. Almost everyone does it. Ghost World's Enid put it best: "We graduated high school. How totally amazing." I love that movie because it's so easy to sympathize with Enid. She's not sure who she is or who she wants to be. High school is over, so what's next? No one's telling her what to do, or if they are, she's not listening. We all make choices in life, but we're terrified of making the wrong choices and ending up in a bad place. We're disconnected from the people around us, me and Enid. And if there's been any question about my mental state today, know that I just compared myself at length to a character in a movie that was based on a comic book.
It's not that I have no clue what happens next. I go off to college in mid-August. The problem is, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do until then. Work, sure, but I can only work so much if I plan to retain what little sanity I have left. It wasn't too long ago that we all had spectacular plans for this summer. I wonder what happened to that fantasy world; I wonder who burst the bubble. Will I ever see my friends from high school again? Maybe. I'm not sure what I feel worse about: the fact that I might not see most of them again or the fact that I can count on one hand the ones I'll actually miss.
I have to go now. I have to go to the store and buy thank you notes. I have to go bowling. I have to write a recap. I have to alphabetize my CDs. I have to read a book or three. I have to watch Passions (the shed!). I have to go for a walk and clear my head. I have to go to the mall. I have to spend my $25 Barnes & Noble gift card. I have to find my catalog for college. I have to tape over the Martha Stewart movie. I have to call about the discount tickets to Dollywood I just saw on TV, because Dolly Parton rules. I have to call Rachel. I have to take a nap. I have to go to the library. I have to knock out some e-mail. I have to watch Law & Order. I have to go to Six Flags. I have to go.
