Dr. Geraldo Sanchez: Guess what I just got in the mail?

Pat: My graduation invitation?

Dr. S: Your graduation invitation, yes.

Pat: I'm a good guesser like that.

Dr. S: Congratulations are in order.

Pat: Well, I guess so. It's just a crappy little public school in Alabama, but it's a high school diploma nonetheless.

Dr. S: Come on, now. Alabama is only 49th in the nation for standardized test scores. At least you're not Arkansas, right?

Pat: Always with the silver lining. So, what else is new?

Dr. S: Other than your matriculation:?

Pat: Wow. That word rules. It sounds so dirty. 'Matriculation.'

Dr. S: I think it's the '-culation' part that makes it dirty.

Pat: Thanks.

Dr. S: Any time.

Pat: Seen any good movies?

Dr. S: As a matter of fact, no. I was supposed to go see the remake of that movie about the rats. What was it called?

Pat: Willard. Yeah, I was going to see that too, but then something came up.

Dr. S: Something came up?

Pat: Well...

Dr. S: So, things are still good from a romantic standpoint?

Pat: Is there a word for "hell motherfucking yeah" that sounds a little more eloquent?

Dr. S: Why, no. No there isn't.

Pat: Oh. Well, there should be. And don't say "Boo-yah!" I refuse to acknowledge that as a word. That and assertation.

Dr. S: Hee. You said 'ass.'

Pat: What are you, in eighth grade?

Dr. S: When are you going to Six Flags?

Pat: I'm getting a season pass, slick. When are you going to stop answering questions with questions? You're transparent as Gweneth Paltrow.

Dr. S: Ick. That woman?

Pat: Cannot act.

Dr. S: Thank you.

Pat: Like she even gets to call her own movie A View from My Ass.

Dr. S: They should've gotten creative and put a camera up her ass. They're always looking for new creative angles, right?

Pat: All the Ass Cam would've caught was me planting my boot square in the middle.

Dr. S: What else is new?

Pat: Not shit. Well, unless you want to discuss the woman who almost discovered my pen in her eye after she asked, "Where are my kids at?" Goddamn cheap prepositions. Learn the language or leave me alone, I say.

Dr. S: You know what my biggest one is?

Pat: 'Nuculer'?

Dr. S: Try 'alot.' So not a word.

Pat: People!

Dr. S: But seriously, you need to relax with this whole English thing. Have you thought about taking up smoking or something?

Pat: Ew. But yes. I smoked for, like, four months, but it didn't take. So I can't say I haven't tried it. It still smells good. It just tastes nasty. Although it's easier to kiss a smoker if you've been smoking, too.

Dr. S: There goes one of your things.

Pat: Yeah, only 99 more to go.

Dr. S: And it's still fairly early in the game for you.

Pat: Yes, I suppose it is. But don't forget, the world could all end tomorrow, and then what was it all for?

Dr. S: The kid from Webster has been asking himself that question for years.

Pat: Oh, Lord. Webster. The only one I remember is the "Dunce, Dummy Darryl" episode where they all made fun of the special-ed kid. And wasn't the uncle, like, a child molestor?

Dr. S: Something like that.

Pat: Wow. '80s TV was crazy.

Dr. S: Because everyone watched Full House.

Pat: I know. Every day after school.

Dr. S: That and Saved by the Bell.

Pat: Speaking of that, in what is surely a sign of the coming apocalypse, the first two seasons of Saved by the Bell are being released on DVD later this year.

Dr. S: Who would buy that?

Pat: Well, who would watch it in the first place, right?

Dr. S: Okay, I know Candace Cameron and Mark-Paul Gosselaar went on to a bunch of unwatchable Lifetime movies, but whatever happened to the girl who played Kimmy Gibbler and the guy who ran Max's Diner?

Pat: They ran away together and opened a lemonade stand in the Balkans.

Dr. S: And MacGyver. That was the shit.

Pat: Yeah, when he'd, like, make things out of stuff.

Dr. S: Has anyone ever told you how well-spoken you are?

Pat: Not recently, but thank you.

Dr. S: And you got a new job?

Pat: As a matter of fact, I did. I'm recapping for The Diet Coke of Snark. The pay isn't spectacular, but it's work. How's the psychology business?

Dr. S: Booming as always.

Pat: I'm not surprised. You know what you're doing, unlike that pet lady or that substitute teacher we had one time.

Dr. S: I try.

Pat: "Don't try to see yourself the way that others do."

Dr. S: What?

Pat: Oh, nothing. I've just got Ben on in the background.

Dr. S: Folds?

Pat: Is there any other?

Dr. S: Are you still going to the concert next month?

Pat: Well, I would, but you know, the restraining order...

Dr. S: Ah. Those things are a bitch.

Pat: Yeah. Another hero out of my grasp. That makes two this week?

Dr. S: Who's the other one?

Pat: Robert Stack.

Dr. S: Yeah, I heard about that.

Pat: So sad.

Dr. S: I know how you loved your Unsolved Mysteries.

Pat: Yeah. It's an intrinsic part of my youth. Every night for too many summers, I'd watch Unsolved Mysteries in the basement. Robert Stack would scare the crap out of me talkin' all this smack about serial killers and I'd have to get up and look out all the windows for men in ski masks until he'd go "UPDATE!" and I'd rush back to the TV to make sure the guy had been caught. God, I loved Robert Stack.

Dr. S: Yeah, that show was creepy.

Pat: You know who it encouraged my hatred of?

Dr. S: Who?

Pat: Virginia Madsen. She was all going to try to take over for Robert Stack in the event of his untimely incapacitation, but she had no concept of how to host the show, having been born without a brain the way she was, and it turned out really badly. I don't even think they rerun her episodes. I hated that woman for many years.

Dr. S: Didn't she do The Practice last year?

Pat: Yeah, and she redeemed herself a little bit. She was still a total bitch, but instead of being the 'I'm a complete dumbass who needs printed instructions to operate a lightswitch Elisabeth Rohm on Law & Order' bitch that she used to be, she was the 'I know something you don't and I'm therefore evil' bitch.

Dr. S: It's a subtle distinction.

Pat: Yeah.

Dr. S: You pretty much just hate Elisabeth Rohm, then?

Pat: No doubt about it. Who does she think she is? I know they're just coasting on the inexplicable ratings success right now, but they should watch some reruns on TNT because the show used to be good and they ruined it.

Dr. S: That sniper episode last week? The hell?

Pat: I KNOW! Like, why would the guy kidnap that kid anyway? They just do things, assume that because they understand it when they're on crack it makes sense to the rest of us, and we're left scratching our heads.

Dr. S: Wherefore art thou, Adam Schiff?

Pat: Word.

Dr. S: And I probably shouldn't ask about the Emmys.

Pat: What the hell was that shit? You think I taped three hours of that for my health? Where the hell was Regis and Kelly's statuette? They gave Wayne Brady two and he doesn't even do anything. Bastards.

Dr. S: Have you noticed that you seem to have an unhealthy preoccupation with TV?

Pat: You're actually not the first person to tell me that.

Dr. S: But you went to Washington?

Pat: Damn right. It was awesome. I went to Dupont Circle. Hell yeah.

Dr. S: We need a Metro.

Pat: I'd build it myself, but I'm leaving town.

Dr. S: College is calling, huh?

Pat: Sadly, yes.

Dr. S: Sadly?

Pat: I'm trying to be more pensive about it than I actually am.

Dr. S: You're not naturally pensive about it?

Pat: Oh, I'm pensive. I write sad things and get weepy when I look at my old yearbooks, but I don't think I'm pensive enough.

Dr. S: You're questioning whether your natural level of pensiveness is appropriate?

Pat: Yeah, except I don't think 'pensiveness' is a word. And we've said it enough that it doesn't sound like a word anymore either.

Dr. S: Book.

Pat: Book.

Dr. S: Book!

Pat: Book!

Dr. S: BOOK!

Pat: BOOK book BOOK!

Dr. S: book BOOK book!

Pat: See? Not a word anymore.

Dr. S: For real. So what are your plans for the summer?

Pat: Sleep. And work. But mostly sleep.

Dr. S: That's cool. We should go on a trip.

Pat: Can I come this time, or are you going to run off with my brain again? Because that sucked.

Dr. S: I suppose you can come.

Pat: Great. And you're coming to my graduation?

Dr. S: Yeah, I want to see you matriculate.

Pat: Bitch.

Dr. S: Maybe I'll bring Elisabeth Rohm as my date and then...

Pat: Shut up.

Dr. S: BOOK!

Pat: [click]

Dr. S: Hello?

***

Poor Dr. S has been really busy, but it's nice that he still found time to call me. It's good to talk to old friends, you know?

This is the last Sunday preceeding a school day of my high school career. Scary, isn't it?