Some tips if you're sharing the road with me:

It is always a good idea to drive at least ten miles under or ten miles over the speed limit (mix it up, keep me on my toes), but under no circumstances should you drive the actual speed limit. And hey, if I'm driving the speed limit, feel free to ride my bumper.

Roll through STOP signs. Rules are for other people.

If you pass me, please drive slower than me. It makes me feel loved. I'm so glad we could spend this time together.

That stick thingy that protrudes from the steering wheel? It's just there for decoration, so make sure you don't use it to signal your intention to turn. Pushing it down does not mean 'left' and pushing it up definitely doesn't indicate 'right.' Where did you hear that?

Drive on your spare tire. It's actually better for your alignment.

Make sure you don't slow down to turn until your turn is already in progress. Those few extra seconds of warning might decrease my chances of cardiac arrest.

The road is not for cars. The road is for farm equipment, like tractors. Didn't you see that movie, The Straight Story? I don't care how big it is or how far traffic is backed up. Yes, I know. Tractors can only go, like, five miles an hour, but you can use this time to practice your sign language and other hand gestures.

Defiantly refuse to wear your constrictive, uncomfortable seatbelt.

Don't bother to pay attention to your surroundings. Everyone's looking out for you, so don't worry. Use this time to apply your makeup, talk on your cell phone, eat, comb your child's hair, balance your checkbook, organize the glove compartment and Handi-Vac the floormats. Hell, why not shave your legs while you're at it?

Don't wash your car, ever; wait for it to rain.

When it's raining and you have your windshield wipers going, it is certainly not necessary to turn your lights on also. I mean, if it were really important, they'd make it a law or something, right?

Litter your interior with empty beer cans and bottles. Cops just love the smell.

On the interstate, weave in between cars. Cut across as many lanes of traffic as possible, as many times as possible. Play Chicken with any eighteen-wheelers you happen to see. Cut off the Rent-A-Center truck. Run someone off the road for effect.

Never check your mirrors. If they're just going to jerk you around with all that 'objects are closer than they appear' crap, why even bother?

Let your driver's license expire. The state trooper will be glad to help you renew it.

Don't wear your glasses when you drive. What if you see Ashton Kutcher in the parking lot of Bed Bath and Beyond? He'll think you're a dork with those spectacles on.

Peel out. It makes a great sound and leaves beautiful decorations on the pavement.

Turn the bass all the way up on your car stereo. If everyone else in the entire world hates Nelly, that's their problem. It's up to you to expose them to the quality music.

In the parking lot, make sure to take up more than one space. That way, no one will ding your car getting out.

Fashion a handicapped sign out of blue construction paper and hang it from your rear-view mirror, right next to the standard-issue fuzzy dice or handcuffs. No one will ever be able to tell the difference, especially if you limp when you get out of the car.

Make sure your muffler drags on the ground as you drive. All the cool kids are doing it.

The rules for the four-way stop are similar to the rules for a staring contest. Whoever looks away first loses and has to wait their turn.

You don't have to change your oil every 3000 miles. That's just a racket the mechanics have going. And while we're talking about liquids one needs for one's car to be operable, windshield wiper fluid and antifreeze are interchangeable. I can't believe you didn't know that. They're both blue, aren't they?

At the gas station, pull up just far enough to block the pump in front of or behind you so no one else can use it until you're done. It's your world, baby. We're just driving in it.

Reading: Salinger's Nine Stories. It's good, if a little disjointed. Watching: Punch-Drunk Love. It took its time setting up the story and then ended abruptly, but it could have been a lot worse. Listening to: The Malcolm in the Middle soundtrack Eating: S'mores cereal. Who even knew this stuff existed? Surfing: Frolic and Detour, Miss Alli's personal site