The file in which I keep all my referral log results (you know, those things at the end of an entry that say, "Someone got here by searching for"?) has been sort of overwhelming of late, and I thought, since it's close to the end of the year, that maybe I should try to dispose of some of the clutter.

A lot of the searches that bring people to this site are specific questions. Today's entry consists of questions people have asked that have gotten them to this site. They have come here looking for answers and I feel a duty to provide them with what they seek. And I'm tired of writing totally reflective, depressing entries.

Anyway, without further adieu, search engines around the world proudly present Ask Pat.

Why do people choose to live in the ghetto?

People choose to live in the ghetto for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people can't afford to live in nicer neighborhoods, so it's their only option.

In other cases, people move to the ghetto in search of a sense of community. A lot of ghettos are really just minority communities that have been neglected. The growing trend in the US is that people want neighbors who share their similar views, so that could be a factor.

Also, ghetto is sort of a relative term; I mean, Paris Hilton didn't even know what a Wal-Mart was, so if you're rich, I guess anything less could be considered the ghetto.

Anderson Cooper is hot.

He certainly is. But that's not a question. It's more of a statement.

What if I'm in love but I'm going to a different college?

Long-distance relationships can be tough, but they can also be rewarding. Only you can decide what's right for you. College is an exciting time, though. There are lots and lots and lots of boys available for the taking. Think about taking a break from this relationship and doing the college thing. Then revisit it a little later and see how you both feel.

What should you bring on a vaction?

I don't know. I've never heard of a vaction before, but I can sort of tell you what to take on a vacation. If I'm flying, I try to get everything (clothes, toiletries, books, whatev) into one bag, preferably a carry-on. If I'm driving or something, I'll take at least one other bag. Just bring stuff you think you'll need. It never hurts to be prepared, after all, and I've had more than one trip where a conscious decision not to pack something 'silly' worked to my disadvantage. Again, though, you don't want to give the airline any extra opportunities to screw you over by losing your luggage, so keep it simple, but don't leave anything behind arbitrarily. Except maybe the Olivia Newton John CD.

We had in school sex ed told us that using vibrator.

Wow. Not only isn't this a question, it isn't even a complete sentence. I will say that I'm intrigued by this flailing fragment. It seems to capture a sense of urgency, but I have to slow down and imagine anyone communicating through a vibrator or even having a vibrator in a sex ed class. The Republicans would have a fit. Nevertheless, it's important to learn about the proper ways to protect yourself so you don't wake up pregnant or catch something worse than cooties, so more power to the vibrator-demonstrating teacher, wherever she may be.

What do the girls look like they are getting dressed for the Miss America pageant?

Whores. Okay, fame whores, but whores nonetheless.

Rescue 911: where do I find it?

As of this writing, Rescue 911 (hosted by a pre-wife killing William Shatner) airs weekdays at 12:30pm, 6:00pm, and 6:30pm (all times Eastern) on the Discovery Health channel. To find out if Discovery Health is available on your cable system, check out the website.

That hurts.

Again, not a question, but if it hurts, stop doing it.

What is across the street from Graceland today?

Price gouging at Memphis's many gift shops, pie shops, and Elvis shops. I haven't seen such a blatant attempt to capitalize off a famous person's death since�well, nothing comes to mind, but you get the idea. It's disgusting, really. Commercialism on crack, that's what's across the street from Graceland, today and every day.

Should college really end right after the Thanksgiving holiday?

Yes. It really should. It's ridiculous for us to come back to school for three days of classes and finals week. Either start late enough in August that we're here until a reasonable time in mid-December or start early enough in August that Thanksgiving week is the bitter, bitter end. Quit toying with us. It's cruel.

Someone got here by searching for: talking monkey crank call Reading: In the spirit of avoiding my studies, I have begun the second book in the Christmas Box trilogy, Timepiece. Listening to: Barenaked Ladies. Watching: The 700 Club. I'm, like, obsessed. Eating: Red Lobster. Jealous? Yeah, it was good.