I get a lot (read: no amount) of fan mail here at IHWIDT, and most of it goes something like this: "Pat, you obviously know a lot about television. But what can you tell us about legendary Italian song stylist Tony Orlando?�

Unfortunately, I really can�t offer much in the way of a bio or an interesting tidbit about Mr. Tony Orlando, but I can bore you with the details of a normal day for me.

6:30am Learn that it�s time to get up. Roll over and go back to sleep.

6:34am Learn that it�s still time to get up. Groan meaningfully. Sit up. Grab contact case, watch, and assorted articles of clothing and stumble into bathroom. Put in contacts so can read the ingredient list on the shampoo bottle whilst rinse my hair. Take shower. Get dressed. Notice the time.

6:49am Let the dog out.

6:50am Look for miscellaneous unhealthy breakfast food. Find none. Retreat to living room. Pop in tape of yesterday�s Live with Regis and Kelly. Hope that Regis is on vacation and Kelly isn�t. Lament that Regis is there; be happy that Kelly is there.

7:10am Wonder why it took twenty minutes to get to Travel Trivia. Wonder why the Travel Trivia contestants are always so stupid. Wonder why the contestant on any given day "watches the show all the time" but didn�t see it yesterday. Laugh as they get a really simple question wrong. Say Kelly�s lines along with her: "You and a lucky member of our studio audience will each receive a $250 gift certificate to - " and say "Omaha Steaks" hopefully while Kelly Ripa says something stupid, like "Bed, Bath and Beyond" because while Bed, Bath and Beyond is not completely a bad store, would much rather have $250 worth of beef that $250 worth of candles because mmm, steaks!

7:15am Decide it�s probably time to get ready to go to school. Think would rather watch a Regis and Kelly porno than go to school. Decide that really wouldn�t, and also that if really want to see random, meaningless sex, the place to be is at school. Shudder. Get stuff and get ready to go.

7:27am Arrive at school. Try to devise a way to sneak past Mr. Reynolds and downstairs to Bessey�s room. Sneak in side door, go downstairs to Bessey�s room.

7:30am Say "Morning, Bessey." Sit down at computer. Check email. Update website. Post to forums. Acknowledge the fact that this is supposed to be broadcasting, not internet class, despite conspicuous absence of broadcasting and conspicuous presence of internet.

9:15am Decide it�s time to �get ready� for second period. Download archived works from Tomato Nation and print them for reading so don�t have to listen to annoying algebra II teacher.

9:35am Wish was dead. Pretend to read algebra II book while trying to ignore Math Nazi and read TN at the same time.

10:25am Begin to slowly, quietly eat brown bag lunch.

11:04:37am Begin to count down the seconds until the Math Nazi�s grip dissolves.

11:05am �Make use� of TAP by wandering around talking to various teachers about, um�things. Give up and go to TAP.

11:11am Sit at same computer and do same things in same order. Acknowledge the fact that this is supposed to be newspaper, not internet class.

12:33pm Realize it�s lunchtime. Decide should get up and go get a cookie from cafeteria. Forget about cookie, remaining at computer.

1:13pm Realize actually going to have to go to English in a few minutes. Look around for blunt object to throw at head.

1:14pm Finding none, look for new chapters of the BTN at Hissyfit.

1:22pm Finding none, remember that still have some TN stuff left over from earlier.

1:25pm Pretend not to hear bell. Get pissed at online version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire." Decry it as "The spawn of Satan and Regis Philbin." Shudder. Give up and go to English.

1:26pm Wish for some sort of death ray or laser beam, so as to get through the hall more quickly.

1:28pm Sit down in English. Explain unfortunate absence of new chapters of BTN to Prairie Dawn. Decide to actually buy a copy of the book. Tomorrow.

1:31pm Too preoccupied with the Literature book to use TN to distract. Depression sets in.

1:33pm Realize forgot Xanax. Begin dying inside.

1:35pm Realize don�t have prescription for Xanax. Continue dying inside.

1:37pm Realize forgot razor. Continue slow, painful, internal death.

1:45pm Realize Law & Order all new tonight. Spirit renewed.

2:55pm Prairie Dawn asks what time it is. Tell Prairie Dawn that it�s the same time as it was yesterday when she asked. Look annoyed, then tell her the time.

3:00pm Realize five minutes left in class. Rejoice.

3:05pm Rush out of classroom, but take time exiting the building.

3:22pm Arrive at home. Throw stuff in room. Check to see if Regis and Kelly recorded this morning. Confirm that it did. Smile.

3:30pm Get ready to go to work.

3:32pm Eat.

3:45pm Set VCR to record Law & Order in case don�t get off work in time.

3:55pm Leave for work.

4:03pm Arrive at work. Make small talk with various coworkers. Clock in. Ask seemingly meaningful questions to distract managers from fact that not doing any actual work.

4:15pm Accept key to cash register without making scene. Make scene internally.

5:00pm Wonder aloud why business is so slow.

5:33pm Vow never to wonder aloud again.

6:00:07pm Breathe.

6:00:10pm Resume working.

7:45pm Stack cheese in cooler. Fantasize about Law & Order.

8:33pm Call home to say I�m off work.

8:47pm Race home.

8:55pm Eat.

8:59pm Wait expectantly for Law & Order.

9:00pm Mmm, Law & Order.

9:15pm Commercial. Eat some more.

9:30pm Order portion of program begins. Commence futile yelling at Dianne Wiest and Elisabeth Rohm.

10:00pm Think about how good Law & Order was. Think about what comments to use tomorrow in the forums.

10:06pm Pop in a Sports Night rerun.

10:07pm Mmm, Sports Night.

10:30pm The Simpsons reruns on Fox.

10:45pm Commercial. Eat again.

10:48pm Think should start homework. Decide to start homework after The Simpsons.

11:00pm Decide can�t put homework off any longer.

11:02pm Decide can put it off some more. Brush teeth. Grab contact case.

11:05pm Must pick perfect CD to listen to while doing homework.

11:23pm Finally decide on a CD. Begin homework.

12:07am Realize it�s 12:07am. Decide to find some menial administrative task to busy self with.

12:08am Finding none, resort to reading.

1:02am Eyes refuse to �stay open long enough to finish the chapter,� despite begging and pleading by brain.

1:03am Remove contacts. Turn light off.

1:04am Must pick perfect CD to listen to while going to sleep.

1:05am Search continues. Turn light back on.

1:27am Turn light off.

1:34am Decide music isn�t helping. Throw CD player on floor.

1:40am Toss.

1:41am Turn.

1:42am ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

There. Happy now? See if you ever ask me about Tony Orlando again.