Somewhere between the mail room and the library, I discovered the secret to true happiness: me.

Though my physical surroundings can (and often do) change without my consent (damn you, Wal-Mart!), the one thing that never changes wherever I go is that I am there. Not every day is a good day, certainly, but then again, by describing something we bring it into being. That�s why people say things like, "Oh, what a beautiful morning." They�re honestly not trying to get slapped. Mostly they just want to have a good day for themselves. Is that selfish?

Speaking of selfish, I finally dove into the pool of excess that is Amazon.com. Is this not the world�s most evil enterprise? I can while away the hours adding miscellany to my wish list and filling my shopping cart with used CDs. How sad that a college town does not have a used music store. But don't weep for me. I can buy $5 discs from independent sellers several states away and still lapse into a shipping charges-related coma.

The other day, I loaded up my cart to the tune of more than a hundred dollars, which is nothing to these rich types, but to me it�s a significant chunk of change. Then I remembered that I am a poor college student who must work at Wal-Mart to subsidize his television habit and I deleted some things. Some of them were Christmas presents for people other than me. Merry Christmas, other people. It's the thought that counts. I finally whittled my purchases (three CDs and two books) down to a reasonable twentysomething dollars and clicked 'Proceed to checkout.' The shipping charges ate me alive, I tell you. They tacked on almost fourteen additional Washingtons. Do people even talk like this? Maybe I've been watching too much something or other. The point is, don't buy Christmas CDs (even those that benefit charities) in October. Or do, but hide them under the William Shatner albums until after Thanksgiving.

One thing I'd like to be thankful for this year is the impending ouster of President Jackass, as he shall be referred to from now until eternity. He is actually making the entire country stupider. Don't believe me? Ask someone with a clue who works in the public education system. Or ask the Young Republicans here at College University. They've taken to plastering signs that declare:

"On Nov. 2, remember: Republicans believe God created Adam and Eve. Democrats believe God created Adam and Steve."

Thanks, guys. Way to resort to childish nonsense. Somebody seems to be on the defensive. If my guy were as simultaneously brazenly arrogant and severely mentally deficient, I'd be calling names too. But seriously, where do we even begin with this B.S.? First of all, not everyone in the party believes exactly the same thing. Secondly, no one from the Kerry camp was disputing the Creation account from Genesis last time I checked. Third, in a democratic society, religion has no place in politics, which is a long, involved and violent discussion for another day.

I will give them credit for choosing gay marriage over abortion, which hasn't actually been an issue in about thirty years. Why are people still talking about this? Abortion, like that bitch Britney Spears, is apparently here to stay. Trying to get Roe v. Wade overturned is about as constructive a use of your time as e-mailing Cheney about the status of those WMDs. And yet, on the road to work the other day, I was treated to a "Kill more babies, vote Democrat" bumper sticker. I believe the patron saint of criminal justice, Adam Schiff said it best (and I paraphrase) when he said, "What right do four men have to tell a woman what she can or can't do with her own body?" None, is what.

And while I'm babbling nonsensically about election things, please shut up about voting libertarian already. I'll give you Kucinich; people actually recognize the name, even if they do associate it with floppy-eared babbling. But going on and on about how we need a regime change and "This is Nader's year" is just foolish. Go ahead and vote for Bush, why don�t you? It�s not even that people exercise their right to vote for third-party candidates are throwing away their votes that bothers me, though. It�s the uber-superior attitude of "I�m so much more politically conscious than you. I and my enlightenment are laughing down on you from this here mountain. You look like an ant down there, you foolish mainstream party voter, you." Fuck that shit.

I get that we need a whole new system of government, or at least we need to shake up those in power. People are disenfranchised, and rightfully so. People are so distracted by The Swan and other similar flavors of tripe that they can�t be bothered to participate in their own democracy. Our president spends most of his time lying outright to the American people, but he hopes we�ll look the other way when the body bags come back from overseas each day. And Kerry is not really my favorite person in the world either, but as far as I can tell, he�s my best shot at the Supreme Court not being packed with "right-wing nut jobs" for the foreseeable future.

Thus, I�ll be casting my ballot for Kerry on Nov. 2 and holding my breath until the last returns are in. This, the first presidential election in which I am eligible to participate will be a new and exciting experience. I just hope that when the dust settles on this thing, I get the change of scenery I�m hoping for.